December 17, 2003
Christmas countdown at nigh status
By
Herald Editor
The countdown to Christmas is officially at nigh status. You can tell it is almost December 25 because of the bicuspid marks disfiguring the Three Wisemen in the chocolate-covered advent calendar.
Like Aunt Gertrude's fruitcake, Christmas traditions are heavily preserved. With this in mind, here are a few tidbits of oh, tannenbaum and excessive in excelsis deo.
- Making a list and highlighting catalog page numbers twice. As kids, my sister and I would squabble over the Sears and Roebuck Christmas wish book. I would carefully dog-ear pages and make a master list for Kriss Kringle. Despite painstakingly clear penmanship, I would still find shirts and tube socks under the Christmas tree. I still can't fathom how Santa confused my pleas for an Evel Knievel dirt bike with Buster Brown dress shoes.
- Shop 'til you drop. Like most procrastinators, last-minute shopping is a yearly holiday rite; even if it is wrong on so many levels. While others dutifully search for stocking stuffers in July, I'm the guy stopping off at the convenience store on Christmas Eve. Shopping at the eleventh hour means you are not fettered by sale prices or good taste. After all, nothing says "it's the thought that counts" like a six-pack of Yoohoo and a confederate flag rearview mirror air freshener.
- Picking the perfect pine. Procuring the ultimate Yuletide tree has been one of those long-standing or long-suffering family traditions. This year was no exception as we nearly flattened our six-foot tall Blue spruce with a 4,200 pound minivan. Let's just say I was a bit exuberant about dashing through the snow at the Christmas tree farm. In the end, after all the sawing, swearing and sweating, our perfect pine looked exactly like the first tree rejected 15 hours earlier.
- Christmas cards and cookies: 'tis better to receive than give. The two exceptions to this rule are those bone-dry tea cake things or braggart form letters extolling the virtues of some Nobel laureate wiz kid in diapers.
- Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa seems like a great gig: summers off, flying around the world, free cookies. These days, however, the big guy barely has time to push himself from the Thanksgiving table before he is hit up for a blizzard of shopping mall appearances. Thousands of children bending your ear - if not screaming in it. Meanwhile, the naughty and nice spreadsheets must be updated every five minutes. Your only permissible four-letter reply to all this holiday tension: Ho-Ho.
Just think, only eight days left until Christmas Day. So put down that creamy nugget baby Jesus, shore up the tilting tree stand and have yourself a merry little conniption looking for the last Hokey Pokey Elmo. Better yet, be wise enough to have the presence of mind to see beyond presents and self-induced seasonal stress.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com