June 26, 2002

Day with baby round-the-clock dramatics

By GARRET LEIVA
Herald editor
       For the next 10 hours, Garret Leiva - adult male, husband, newspaper editor, Aries - will cease to exist. Instead, he will become daddy.
      While I usually avoid such third person dramatics, staying home with a four-month-old can only be described as an out of body pronoun experience. After all, there is no "I" in the word father. Nor do him and he matter to this helpless Homo sapien; only you.
      For the past month, I've been looking after our little girl as my wife transitions back into work. On those days, it is just Ella, four bottles, 10 diapers, and 600 minutes to fill. Welcome to amateur night at Baby Improv; thankfully I don't work in front of an audience. Unfortunately, I do work without a net.
      Now I knew going in that babies don't follow a script, but even a repertoire of funny faces barely gets you past the first act in this theater of the absurd. So I try a little soft-shoe, Shakespearean soliloquies, or Sam Shepard monologues to appease my pint-size critic. If she nods off and starts drooling, I take it as a standing ovation.
      Of course, all that entertainment takes up about five nanoseconds of our day. Granted she does eat several times and takes a few cat naps with the dog (well not on the same bed) but all that adds up to mere minutes.
      While some adults never outgrow the idea that others only exist to fulfill their wants and desires, it's OK when you've been on planet Earth for 16 weeks. Which is why most of our time together is spent doing any of the following at any given time for any given reason:
      - 7:00 a.m. - slowly open eyes as the melodic tones of baby screaming from across the hallway drifts into bedroom
      - 7:01 a.m. - pretend to be still asleep
      - 7:02 a.m. - stop pretending if changing baby's diaper
      - 7:20 a.m. - wake up to find Desitin smeared across your face
      - 7:25 a.m. - eat breakfast, brush teeth and shave; often at the same time
      - 7:30 a.m. - Ella and daddy wave goodbye to mommy as she drives off to work. Daddy waves goodbye to all adult conversations
      - 7:31 a.m. - gaze lovingly into the angelic eyes of your firstborn
      - 7:33 a.m. - pray she never gets her tongue pierced as a teenage hellion
      - 7:38 a.m. - read passages from the following works of literature: "Happy Baby Colors," "The Runaway Bunny," and "Frog and Toad Are Friends." Discuss the use of paradox and irony in "The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry and the Big Hungry Bear." Ella imparts criticism of my literary interpretation into the bottom of her Huggies.
      - 8:02 a.m. - watch second hand in pursuit of Guinness Book of World Records fastest diaper change
      - 8:02:50 a.m. - wash own hands after changing second diaper in a row. Put Ella in her four D-battery, two speed, open top swing chair
      - 8:05 a.m. - spend time hanging out on the floor with Mr. Cow, Al the Alligator and goofy Alien Guy
      - 8:05:10 - remember that Ella is still on high speed in her four D-battery, two speed, open top swing chair
      - 8:06 a.m. - spend time hanging out on the floor with Mr. Cow, Al the Alligator, goofy Alien Guy and Ella
      - 9:10 a.m. - talk like Mr. Cow while secretly reading newspaper op-ed piece on farm land-use plans
      - 9:13 a.m. - get busted by four-month-old when Mr. Cow utters words like "policy wonks" instead of "moowoowoo"
      - 9:20 a.m. - baby decides now is the time for nourishment
      - 9:21 a.m. - baby SCREAMS!!!
      - 9:22 a.m. - daddy heats water for bottle
      - 9:23 a.m. - baby SCREAMS!!!
      - 9:24 a.m. - daddy spills hot water for bottle on his hand
      - 9:24:01 a.m. - daddy SCREAMS!!!
      - 9:24:02 a.m. - baby SCREAMS!!!
      - 9:24:03 a.m. - doggie HOWLS!!!
      - 9:25 a.m. - Ella eats, daddy licks his wounds while dog licks herself in the front yard
      -10:15 a.m. - greatly disappoint Grandma Leiva by letting granddaughter watch Cartoon Network. Reiterate my absolute disdain for Scrappy-Doo. Ella burps in agreement
      - 10:50 a.m. - baby takes a nap while daddy contemplates all the grown up things he needs to do ... right after this episode of Johnny Bravo.
      - Noon - mommy comes home for lunch. Daddy flips the channel to PBS. Mommy is not fooled.
      - 1:30 p.m. - daddy pushes baby around the neighborhood in a stroller while wearing his Ray-Bans. Daddy realizes that some day Ella will beg not to be seen in public next to her dork of a father. Daddy walks slower.
      - 1:55 p.m. - return from walk, return to diaper changing table.
      - 2:12 p.m. - Stare at ceiling, contemplate life, shove entire fist into mouth, make cute noises and drool. Find out what Ella is up to.
      - 2:40 p.m. - baby decides now is time for nourishment. See above fiasco.
      - 3:01 p.m. - baby takes nap while daddy watches "American Graffiti" instead of contemplating all the grown up things he needs to do.
      - 4:45 p.m. - Ella wakes up just in time to discuss whether or not John Milner's '32 Ford would have lost to Bob Falfa's '55 Chevy. Ella burns rubber in her Huggies.
      - 5:05 p.m. - mommy comes home to save the day. Daddy thumbs through a "Parenting" magazine. Mommy is not fooled.
      Later that evening at work, while checking my voice mail, e-mail, and a stack of U.S. mail, I realize Garret Leiva never ceases to exist; he just has to share life with the only pronoun that matters to her.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com