July 31, 2002

Dog days of summer not so hot time

By GARRET LEIVA
Herald editor
       Hot enough? If not, put on a fur coat and start panting. No sweat - except for the glands in your feet - then welcome to the dog days of summer.
      While the Dog Star rises and sets with the sun this time of year, this earth-bound canine stays put. Exerting energy means knocking over a cold one and licking up the Labatt or perhaps sticking my nose in a lawn sprinkler. Until the mercury dips below 80, I'm content to roll over and play dead.
      Throughout this heat wave, I've tried to maintain a good-natured temperament despite soaring temperatures. Admittedly, Hades-like heat index won't put a smile on your face - breathing through your mouth will. Sure central air in my mud room would be cool, but linoleum tile also stops spontaneous canine combustion.
      Humans, however, get heated over hot temperatures. As a species, they either work up a sweat complaining about the weather or they go out jogging in it. There seems to be little middle ground: stand in front of the air conditioner in your BVDs watching Hogan's Heroes reruns or seal coat the driveway. Dogs are content with a shady spot of concrete.
      Although there is one thing that gets under my dermal layer - what is the deal with these mental pygmies buying a new fan every year? Do these things disappear like socks in a dryer? If humans had to try oscillating panting for awhile it might refresh some failing memories.
      Of course I can't be too hard on humans during the dog days of summer. After all, soaking in SPF 50 all day would debilitate the strongest brain synapses. Thankfully dogs need not concern themselves with UV rays, peeling sunburns or unsightly tan lines. Nor do we contemplate wearing Speedos to the beach.
      Perhaps this propensity for going in the buff at public beaches has attributed to all the "No Dogs Allowed" signs. It could also be a matter of discharges into Lake Michigan - like human four year olds don't do that.
      It takes a lot for me to leap off the front porch these days. Stray cats and kids on skateboards generate little response. Even the evil UPS truck of doom draws a half-hearted bark. It is too humid to get hot around the flea collar.
      So until someone makes me an Alpo smoothie, the Dog Star can chase the sun all it wants. This is one canine content with perfecting the stay command.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com