December 5, 2001

Pregnant men: Ill-conceived notion

By GARRET LEIVA
Herald editor
       If the human race depended on the man in mankind to carry on the species, it would be more than an ill-conceived notion.
      Caring for your unborn child and carrying the little bundle of molecules for nine months goes beyond semantics. Human anatomy aside, men lack the psychology and physicality that pregnancy demands. I reached this epiphany after my first Lamaze class.
      There are a multitude of reasons why men would mess up the sanctity of motherhood. Reasons aside from forgetting to send a card to ourselves on the second Sunday of May.
      - Patience
      The average pregnancy spans 40 weeks, 280 days or 6,720 hours. Men can't even sit through a TV commercial without flipping channels. Furthermore, at a ball game or concert, men never have to exercise patience or bladder control waiting in line for the restroom.
      - going to the doctor
      I won't visit the doctor unless it involves a compound fracture or appendages dangling by a tendon. Call me doltish, pertinacious or simply a guy.
      Most men are reluctant to talk about routine health matters let alone see a physician about them. Pregnancy, however, requires prenatal visits (which I have attended with my wife because I'm not the patient). These visits could require a man to say words like colostrum and episiotomy - out loud.
      A waiting room full of pregnant men perusing "Field and Stream" would be the very definition of uncomfortable silence.
      - body changes
      It is hard to know how men would react to pregnancy weight gain. Taking off the 30 to 35 extra pounds could prove difficult. Especially since six-pack abs for some guys means lifting 20 ounces of Budweiser. Men would also find that eating for two doesn't mean doubling up on the red dye #5 food group.
      Besides, engorged breasts wouldn't be appealing if the nursing bra was on the other chest.
      - strangers at the grocery store touching your belly
      This falls under the same unwritten rule as conversations at the restroom urinal. You just wouldn't put your hand on some guys stomach and ask him how far along he is.
      Truth be told, I don't think most women appreciate the experience either. My wife keeps threatening to put her hand on the person's backside and inquire if they are having twins.
      - information (or not stopping to ask for directions)
      There is something to be said for too much information. This is why I would freak a bit reading "What to Expect While You're Expecting" while holding court in the throne room. It is also why most men sit cross-legged during Lamaze class birth videos.
      Most men won't admit it, but they like living between the state of mind lines of 'blissfully' and 'unaware.' Pregnancy requires a nine-month long reality trip.
      - birth
      Most first time mothers can be in labor for 17 to 24 hours. If a guy heard the words "you're dilated to eight centimeters," he would ask for an epidural and an order of fries to go.
      My wife has asked me if I would be game to wear an 'empathy belly' which simulates pregnancy. I told her I'd wear it anywhere but in the grocery store checkout lane. Being a man, however, I'd probably spill 10W-30 oil on it, get too close to an open flame or some other ill-conceived notion.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail gleiva@gtherald.com.