September 27, 2000

Humans remain doggone mystery

By CORKY
Guest canine columnist
       You might assume I would have an innate understanding of Homo sapiens, being man's best friend and all. Sadly, it feels like we don't even speak the same language.
      Although they have opposable thumbs, there seems to be little in life humans grasp. Truth be told, I'm surprised their gene pool has a deep end.
      Take flowers for example. Just last week I tried to show my appreciation for nature by picking a few daises and black-eyed Susans. A firm believer of utilizing all senses, I found each pedal fragrant and muy delicious. Evidently this was wrong. I was told in no uncertain terms that flower beds are not fit for canine consumption. Oh, yeah, you're not supposed to sleep in them either - who came up with that misnomer?
      Being at loggerheads over landscaping is just a small example of the larger conundrum facing canines and humans: communication.
      Nowhere is this problem more evident than the age-old quandary of "good dog vs. bad dog." Canines have struggled for centuries to comprehend the illogical demands of humans. Lay there and do nothing and you're a "good girl," remodel the mudroom drywall with your molars and lose your squeaky toy privileges. Fetch a stick and they shower you with praise, fetch a skunk and you get the hose.
      Something equally irksome about human beings is their overall negativity. Talk about a downer species. "DON'T CORKY!" "NO CORKY!" "STOP CORKY!" "QUIET CORKY!" For the longest time I thought my name was a negative particle.
      Another communication breakdown is the language barrier. While dogs have made excruciating efforts to understand English, humans interrupt us with incessant shushing. Berlitz has evidently not published a English/Barkese pocket translator. I don't even know why I bother alerting my humans to the impending doom of inline skaters and UPS deliveries.
      Age also plays a factor in the oft misguided dog/human relationship. My humans insist on treating me like I'm two years old, when I'm really in prime teenage angst. Which means I have a lot to gripe about. They are, in no particular order:
      - Like any other 14-year-old, I want to stay out late, howling at the moon. Instead, I'm expected to be curled up in bed by 10 p.m.
      - While other teens can slam doors and sulk in their bedroom all afternoon, I'm stuck pouting behind a babygate.
      - I'm kept on a short leash when it comes to carousing around the neighborhood.
      - The cutest canine in the subdivision always walks by during a front yard "flea inspection."
      Of course, having humans around isn't all bad. While they may lack a solid grip on reality, they sure can open a bag of Dog Chow. Fact: no one else on earth can scratch that spot behind your ear. Besides, not many creatures will let you clean off your tongue on their face - and smile about it no less.
      While dogs and humans may never speak the same language, our "best" friend status can prevail. All it really takes is a degree of understanding by both species. If that fails, I've heard flowers can work wonders.
      Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva (and his dog Corky) can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail at gleiva@gtherald.com.