March 1, 2000

Ignoring the knock of opportunity

By GARRETT LEIVA
Herald editor
Everyday when I boot up my computer, opportunity knocks on my monitor. It is a world where I can earn $50,000 in the next 90 days, buy a multi-million dollar publishing company for $149, even change my identity for only $29.95.
All this while sitting in my boxer shorts and Dead Milkmen "Mow Across America" concert T-shirt, scarfing down a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Of course, electronic junk mail is not just for breakfast anymore. Day or night, seven days a week, schemers, dreamers, wheelers and dealers stuff my e-mailbox with champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
For the longest time any e-mail imploring me not to ignore it would be vanquished with the delete key. Then I discovered something - unlike those dog haikus your friend insists on forwarding to you - these things are funny. Granted most are not milk-coming-out-your-nose, laugh-out-loud funny. Instead, it's more like giggling at someone delivering the Gettysburg Address with toilet paper protruding from beneath their dress shoe.
While I find reading these get-rich rants amusing, the Id-less part of me wants to believe that "It's So Simple To Earn $2,000 - $5,000 Per Week Nowadays." Sadly, I don't speak the language of all capital letters and exuberant exclamation points. If I did, I would EARN $$$$$$ PER YEAR SENDING E-MAIL!!!!, take a chance on AN EXCELLENT MONEY MAKING OPPORTUNITY or even change my life FOREVER ... FINANCIALLY!!!
Try as I might, I'm a tad skeptical about the guy offering to "explode your bisiness ... right now!" Call me naive, but I think in order to know business, you first need to know how to spell it ... right now!
It's not that these people aren't sincere. Just this past month I've opened e-mails addressed to "Dear Friend," "Fellow Entrepreneur," "LOOKING FOR GEMS!" (all capitals and an exclamation point) and "dude@gtherald.com" Here is what else I've found in my e-mail inbox:
- I can rush order a "million dollar publishing company in a box" - for only $149.
- I could be one of 10 elite individuals with the work ethic necessary to generate a cash-flow of $2,000 - $5,000 per week. That is if I "have the self-discipline to ignore the TV for a couple of hours per day." I guess I could program the VCR to record " Dukes of Hazzard" reruns, if only I could stop the clock light from blinking.
- Statistically speaking: 45 people become millionaires everyday through multi-level marketing, you can increase your miles per gallon by 30 percent with one auto report, and everything is 100 percent legal, effective and guaranteed.
- Selling last will and testimony kits are an excellent moneymaking opportunity at only $3.95 (plus $1.50 shipping). They also make a great Christmas stocking stuffer- especially for that despised great-aunt on your mother's side.
- "Seven Steps to the New You - How to Create a New Identity" is a mere $29.95. Just think, for the price of an oil change, you too could be leading a whole new fake existence. You might, however, have to assume a new identity after every 3-month prison stint or $3,000 stolen from your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend.
Personally, when it comes to business, I possess a fair amount of common sense, but little dollars and cents thinking. If it came down to method acting, I could play the title role in "Death of a Salesman." I am the Willy Loman of fund-raising. Candy bars, popcorn, bumper stickers - you name it, I can't sell it. In my high school economics class, as part of a Junior Achievement project, I underachieved and sold a dozen Michigan and Michigan State drinking glasses - to my parents.
That is why I won't be quitting my day job any time soon; even if I could make $50,000 or more in the next 90 days while in my boxer shorts. From now on, if I hear a tap on the window or knock on the door of opportunity, I won't hit the caps lock or exclamation point key - only the delete.
Grand Traverse Herald editor Garret Leiva can be reached at 933-1416 or e-mail at gleiva(at)gtherald.com.