January 27, 1999
'No/Yes': a story of 'friendly' rape
By Garret Leiva
Herald staff writer
It was just a passing glance, a shy encounter at a co-ed night movie mixer. A first-year student at William and Mary College, 18-year-old Katie Koestner didn't think it would lead to a dinner with linen napkins - she wearing a prom dress sewn by her mother, he in a blue three-piece suit ordering from the menu in French. Nor did she think one look would lead to the cover of TIME magazine and a story of survival over a crime of silence.
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Peter was GQ model gorgeous and Koestner had a huge crush on the dark haired student. After the brief movie night encounter, their paths crossed again at a trash can in the college's cafeteria. Small talk lead to a study night were the investigation of atoms and molecules split off into the subject of personal histories.
A week later, the pair dressed up for dinner at a fancy French restaurant across the street from campus. While dining, Peter spoke about his parent's island home in Greece and how Katie should stay there with him that summer. He mentioned how she would have to wear certain clothes when they went to the beach and how she would be expected to drink wine or champagne. Then matter-of-factly he said, "and by the way Katie, you're going to have to have sex with me when I want to."
Koestner laughed off the awkwardness and the uneasy knot in her stomach. Other than the one comment, the dinner had been perfect. The couple had no desire to do the fraternity row party scene, so Koestner suggested they dance to a mix of songs she taped off the radio. They headed off to her dorm room, she completely ignored the knot.
It was during the third song that Koestner started thinking, "my mom's going to kill me - the dress, the dress." She was worried about the long, black velvet gown with the three delicate rhinestone buttons down the back that her mom had made for a tenth-grade dance. "I think it was the way he was trying to get the buttons undone that made me very concerned that one of them would get ripped off and I couldn't imagine explaining it to my mom," Koestner said.
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It was nearing 5 a.m. and Koestner had forgotten all about the buttons. She had spent half the night trying to ward off Peter with jokes, pillow fights, rationalization but with every reason he became increasingly upset. She had thought about telling him to get out but would he have left that easy? Or for that matter would he have let her leave? Afraid to seek assistance or sneak out to the couch in the lobby, Koestner chose the least confrontational and complicated way out - she let him sleep it off.
Around 5 o'clock Peter awoke and asked Koestner why she was sitting in the corner of the dorm room. She told him about the fight, he made all the right apologies. He said she would feel better if she slept, she gave him a second-chance. Her eyes were still closed when she felt the soft kisses on her neck and his weight pinning her against the concrete block wall.
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Standing on stage in the Milliken Auditorium at Northwestern Michigan College, Thursday evening, Koestner presented her story of survival. It is an experience she had shared nationwide with thousand of students at more than 600 colleges, high schools and military institutions. But the words never come easy.
"Did you actually walk into the room tonight thinking it was my favorite thing to tell the story of the worst night of my life?," asked the outspoken date-rape survivor and sexual assault prevention advocate.
"Not many people tell their stories on a stage, it's too hard, there is too much judgment. But I speak because I want a day with no more rape. I'm an idealist."
Koestner, however, offers more than mere ideas. She has received national attention for speaking out against sexual abuse crimes. She appeared on the cover of TIME magazine in 1991 and completed a docudrama with HBO in 1993 entitled, "No Visible Bruises: The Katie Koestner Story."
In 1994 Koestner graduated magna cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa from the College of William and Mary in Virginia. She is a Virginia state-trained peer educator and sexual assault counselor who has worked for passage of federal sexual assault legislation, including the Campus Sexual Assault Victim's Bill of Rights which was passed in 1992.
She is also the co-author of the guidebooks, "Sexual Assault on Campus: What Every College Needs to Know" and "Total Sexual Assault Risk Management Strategies for Colleges." Her next book, due out this year, is tentatively titled, "Without Consent."
Being outspoken, however, has come at a personal price. After summoning the courage to call her parents, Koestner explained what happened that night - her father said it was her fault and hung up the phone. "If I stopped speaking my parents would probably support me, but it's worth that much to speak with you tonight," Koestner told the audience gathered in the Dennos Museum Center auditorium.
Working with self-blame, shame and guilt on a daily basis, Cheryl Kobernik knows well the personal cost of this crime of silence. As a sexual assault client advocate with the Women's Resource Center in Traverse City, Kobernik sees first-hand the 'blame the victim' mind-set that still pervades our society.
"We question the victim: 'What were you wearing?' 'What did you do wrong?' It's not the right question," said Kobernik, who noted that the Women's Resource Center had 107 sexual assault clients last year.
For its part, the Women's Resource Center provides a variety of sexual assault support services including an emergency safehouse shelter, one-on-one and group counseling, legal, medical and psychological referrals and client advocacy.
"Many times the person is afraid of being judged or letting someone down. Self-blame, shame and guilt - these three responses are involved in every case," said Kobernik, who was sexually assaulted herself when she was 18-years-old.
Another local program that deals with the emotional and physical pain of rape is the Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Program (S.A.N.E.) at Munson Medical Center. Based out of the Emergency Department, S.A.N.E. works in conjunction with the Women's Resource Center and local law enforcement agencies to provide examination and treatment for survivors of sexual assault 24 hours a day.
"S.A.N.E. provides an important function by collecting legal evidence and documenting injuries," said coordinator Paula Meyer, whose program has treated 31 reported cases in Grand Traverse County from July 1, 1997 to June 31, 1998.
"The program has helped sentence assailants without the victim having to set foot in the courtroom to testify."
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Koestner never had that choice to testify; Peter was found guilty during a campus hearing but never faced any formal charges. Briefly suspended from school following another assault incident, he graduated 4 « years ago in the same room as Koestner. Since that day, she has never let her voice fall silent despite the pain of each spoken remembrance.
"There were days that I wanted to drop out of school or hide under a rock. But Rosa Parks didn't get off the bus and walk," she said. "This is about standing your ground and deciding for yourself what you're going to take."
- For more information about the services provided by the Women's Resource Center call 941-1210 or the 24-hour crisis hot line at 1-800-554-4972 . To find out more about Munson Medical Center's S.A.N.E. program call 935-6333.