Mike Moser "I Say" Published Jan. 30, 2004

If it is all the same, I'll stay bald

I guess I would like some hair on top of my head, especially this time of year. Who wouldn't? But there are some things that even I would not trade for a few curly locks.

"Castration cures baldness," the headline screamed on a press release that arrived at our office via fax Tuesday afternoon. I screamed louder.

"Who sent this fax to me?" my voice echoed through the news room. Work stopped. Heads turned. Eyes peered inquiringly. "What? What? What?" the chorus of denials responded.

"Who sent this fax about baldness?" I demanded to know. I was ready to take no prisoners. My query was met with a smattering of snickers, most which originated in the news room. Then the advertising reps joined in.

One asked what the fax said.

"Castration cures baldness." I barely got the headline out when the snickers turned to guffaws. Fighting the urge to wad the unsolicited epistle into a nice, tight little spitball, I instead studied the fax for clues. To my horror, the fax was a legitimate news release.

"University researchers discovered that castration at age 16 will cure male pattern baldness," read the first sentence. Who in their right mind would have volunteered for that study? Well, thank goodness for small favors, I have passed the age 16, so I breathed a deep sigh of relief.

I couldn't help but wonder how much the government spent on that study.

Who would consider such a thing? Sure, the new discovery might be on the cutting edge for curing baldness, but again I ask, "Who would consider such a thing?"

And what about this pattern thingie? There is no pattern to my baldness. The hair just upped and left a few years ago.

I suppose that undergoing the procedure would prevent one from passing on male pattern baldness to future generations but do you think future generations would really appreciate the sacrifice?

I could not help but wonder what guarantee there is that this works for everyone? And what if it doesn't work? I mean, it is not like you can go back and say, "I changed my mind." I don't know of a way to reverse that.

Besides, how many bald bulls have you seen walking the feed lots lately?

I am sorry but my years of journalistic training have left me quite skeptical of such a procedure. I can put up with the jokes. I had rather subscribe to the theory that a few perfect heads were created and hair was put on the rest.

I do have an advantage over those with golden locks. When one parts his hair in a circle, it really doesn't matter how he gets it cut.

If it is all the same to you I will keep everything I came into this world with, including male pattern baldness. And the only advice I can give to 16-year-olds facing male pattern baldness is: "Run!"

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Mike Moser is the editor of the Crossville Chronicle. His column is published periodically on Fridays.