Mike Moser "I Say" Published May 23, 2003

Ministry of Silly Walks comes to USA

I am reasonably certain that an Associated Press news story published this week did not strike others on the Plateau as funny as it did me, but I had quite a chuckle over the news that The Pentagon has developed a radar to detect the walks of terrorists.

It seems the Pentagon has financed a research project they claim is successful in identifying people by their walk under the theory that an individual's walk is as unique as a signature.

Around $1 million has been spent over the past three years developing a one-foot-square radar dish that can up to 600 feet away identify a person because of their walk. The theory is that "terrorists must engage in certain transactions to coordinate and conduct attacks against Americans, that these transactions form patterns that may be detectable."
Many key words here, but one that jumped out was "may."

In the mid-70s I was editor of a newspaper in suburban Dayton, OH, and a good friend and co-worker introduced me to something out of England called "Monty Python and the Flying Circus." It was bizarre, to say the least.

The comedy troupe from England, teetered their weekly show shown in the Dayton area every Thursday night with the zany and silly with a razor-sharp wit that only the English humor possesses. The troupe consisted of all men and when skits called for women, well, the men donned dresses unashamedly.

One of my favorite features were the vignettes of the British's so-called Ministry of Silly Walks. They would open showing John Cleese walking down a London street taking huge steps followed by twists and gyrations that left you wondering how he kept his balance.

John Cleese perfected the silly walk. It is impossible to describe a silly walk with mere words; the only true way to understand it is to see it.

The skit would include a Ministry of Silly Walks Yearly Report that included such information as:

·The annual budget was 348,000,000 pounds sterling, which was much less than national defense, social security, health, housing and education.

·On-going research was being done on the Anglo-French Silly Walk.

·Intelligence reports that revealed the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step.

·A rejected grant application from Arthur Putey with this report: "The right leg isn't silly at all, and left leg does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step."

The scene would follow him into his office, the Ministry of Silly Walks, where he would review would-be silly walk developers who were attempting to secure government funding to refine their funny walk inventions.

Sitting deadpan behind a desk, Cleese would watch as Eric Idle and others would walk across his office demonstrating their proposed silly walks.

Idle would say, "Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it."

After viewing the walk, Cleese would say with straight face, "Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a four dare O'Brian half turn every alternate step."

Idle would respond, "Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly."
Responded Cleese, "Mr Pudey, (he walks about behind the desk in a very silly fashion) the very real problem is one of money. I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. You see there's Defense, Social Security, Health, Housing, Education, Silly Walks ... they're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the Government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defense! Now we get 348,000,000 pounds a year, which is supposed to be spent on all our available products."

Later when turning down the application, Cleese would add, "Mad as a hatter. You see, the Israelis, they have a man who can take his own left leg off and swallow it with every alternate step, whereas the Japanese, cunning electronically obsessed little..."

Is it comforting for you to know that your government now has its own version of Ministry of Silly Walks? Today the budget for the walk research is much lower than that of Social Security, but who knows, at the rate we are aging as a country. It would be sad to have a funny walk and no Social Security pension to live on.

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Mike Moser is the editor of the Crossville Chronicle. His column is published periodically on Fridays.