Heather Mullinix "Title Forthcoming" Published Feb. 11, 2005

Why are politicians trying to be fashion police?

Talk about a waste of lawmakers' time. The Virginia House of Delegates has passed a bill authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a "lewd or indecent manner." They are apparently very worried about the fashion trend of wearing pants low, or well below, the wearer's hips.

While I don't particularly enjoy seeing people letting it all hang out, I don't think a state has any business becoming the fashion police. Virginia has plenty of other, much more pressing, issues to contend with. Education, health care and economic woes are affecting Virginia just as severely as in Tennessee.

Should this bill get a nod from the state senate and become law, it will become a monumental waste of time. Who, exactly, will be enforcing the fashion law? And, what about challenges to its constitutionality? Already the American Civil Liberties Union has said the law infringes on a person's right to dress badly, and some have said the law is discriminatory and unfairly targets young black males.

Perhaps just as serious as these concerns, and certainly more entertaining, is the possibility it could end up online with a collection of other laws that were pretty much a waste of time.

For example, according to DumbLaws.com, laws still on the books in Tennessee include:

·You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. That's great news, considering we're a landlocked state.

·Skunks may not be carried into the state. That's all right, they seem to be doing just fine getting here on their own.

·It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. This one makes sense. Why waste precious time trying to lasso a fish when a hook and worm is so much more efficient? However, I bet people would pay money to see someone actually capable of lassoing a fish.

Those are pretty funny, but individual cities take the cake on ludicrous laws. In Memphis, for example, it is illegal for frogs to croak after 11 p.m. How, I wonder, is this enforced? Do they have a froggy jail?

Then, there's pie. Apparently, it is illegal to give any pie to your fellow diners in Memphis. And unfinished pie may not be taken home. All pie must be eaten on the premises. That would certainly make potluck dinners a bit more tricky, wouldn't it?

In Nashville, you have to be 18 years old to play pinball. I'm not sure what they were going for here. Do they not want kids to be inside arcades? Do they fear the violence caused by the pinball machines? Are they afraid of the Pinball Wizard?

And in Lexington, there was apparently a problem with ice cream being consumed in public. I don't know if the problem was from the sticky residue left when the ice cream melted, or fell from the cone, or if it caused people to suffer ice cream envy. Either way, don't eat your ice cream on the sidewalk in Lexington, TN.

And remember old movies where the characters would put a penny on a railroad track and wait for the train to run over it? They could face up to five years in prison for defacing U.S. coins. Next time you'd like to try that trick, be sure to use a Canadian coin. You don't want men in dark suits coming after you for that.

And, if you're thinking appearing on "Jeopardy," "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" and "The Price is Right" would be a great way to spend a couple of weeks, just remember no person may appear as a contestant in more than one game show each year.

In the end, one has to wonder if it's really in the state's best interest to police what people wear.

Why can't they rely on businesses to tell employees they can't dress in a lewd manner at work, schools to set appropriate dress codes, and parents to tell their kids there is no way they are leaving the house with their underpants hanging out?

Bottom line, pun intended, the state needs to keep their noses out of people's closets and get down to real business.

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Heather Mullinix is assistant editor of the Crossville Chronicle. Her column appears periodically. She may be reached at reportnews@crossville-chronicle.com.