David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Feb. 14, 2006

Valentine's Day isn't on my calendar (or IS it?)

I forget which year the wife and I erased Valentine's Day from our calendar, but I know it didn't take long. After all, how many teddy bears can you put on a shelf? And how long are you supposed to keep those stupid things anyway?

I know, I know. "Stupid" isn't a very nice word. I scold my 3-year-old son four times a day for using the S-word to describe our cat, his lunch, his big sister, you name it. He knows Mom and Dad don't like him using it. That's why he continues to use it. Ah, the joys of 3.

Parental disciplinary issues aside, I have to chuckle a bit when I hear folks get so worked up over Valentine's Day. Some people really get stressed out about it. For some it's like prom night but worse: It comes every single year for the rest of your adult life. And for some couples it's not enough to do a little something to show their love -- it must be a step up from last year's Valentine's Day. If last year was Nestle chocolate, this year has to be Godiva chocolate. If last year was earrings, this year has to be a necklace. If last year was a 2-foot-tall teddy bear, this year has to be, well, a 3-foot-tall teddy bear I guess. What do these people do when they hit their 60s and have incrementally upped the ante every February? They must reach a point when they hire Julio Iglesias to perform love songs at their home, a Mack truck pulls up and dumps a big load of diamonds in the front yard, and the teddy bear is so large that it terrorizes Tokyo.

If I had to top myself every year, I'd be a little stressed out too. Like I keep telling the wife, "How can I compete with ME?" Maybe I'm a little too pragmatic on this issue, but if Valentine's Day causes you this much tension, financial burden and worry, maybe you should focus your efforts on another holiday. Try Arbor Day.

Years ago when the flower conglomerates, chocolatiers, diamond brokers and greeting card companies manufactured Valentine's Day in an effort to boost their sagging post-Christmas sales, I'm certain they intended it to be a fun, enjoyable, romantic holiday. The truth is that it can be all of those things. Valentine's Day can be fun, enjoyable and romantic, but so can any other day of the year. Pick a day, any day.

There are only two things I know for sure about women. One: Put the toilet seat back down. There's no negotiating that one, guys. If you don't, you'll live a lonely, lonely life. It's a deal-breaker. The only other thing I'm certain of is that women appreciate thoughtful effort. Unless you've attached yourself to a high-maintenance woman, your gal will immensely appreciate any sincere effort you undertake to show her you love her. If your sweetie has her heart set on getting a little special treatment on Valentine's Day, I say indulge her. You don't need to shell out for a diamond tennis bracelet, but put a little forethought into the process. Buying a plastic rose at the check-out lane in the Qwik-E-Mart won't cut it.

Women also love surprises. (OK, I guess there are three things I know about women. Maybe I should make a list so I don't forget them.) Ever since my wife and I abdicated Valentine's Day years ago, I've often thought that a romantic gesture on Valentine's Day would be the ultimate surprise. She'd never expect it. I surprise her with little mementos here and there throughout the year, but something on Feb. 14 would blow her away. But then I start outthinking myself: If she doesn't expect me to do it on Feb. 14, then that would be the perfect time. However, since she knows that I know that it would be the perfect time, it wouldn't really be the perfect time. But then again, since she knows that I know that she knows that it would be the perfect time and that it really would be the perfect time, perhaps THAT'S the perfect time. Suddenly I find myself in a loop of insane Abbott and Costello logic. My brain muscles are weary.

Sometimes I'm a bit sad that we don't play the Valentine's Day game anymore. I guess it's a sign that we've spent a lot of time together. That's OK. Valentine's Day is for everyone. Our anniversary is in October. It's just for us. I've got to start saving my ducats for that. I've had my eye on a stuffed walrus.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net