David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 22, 2005

Stick to these truisms and Thanksgiving will be a snap

Will the turkey come out just right? Will the potatoes be creamy but not too creamy? Will anyone notice that I forgot to buy a can of that jiggly, gelatinous cranberry sauce? Since no one usually wants pie immediately following a 2,200-calorie meal, when should I put the Mrs. Smith's in the oven?

Worry, worry, worry. Don't top off your pumpkin pie with a big, fat ulcer. That's not what the holidays are about.

It occurs to me that too many hosts and hostesses needlessly fret over every little detail associated with that one big meal -- turkey with all the trimmings. Take it from a veteran of many Thanksgiving Day massacres. Everything will be just fine. If you pump enough tryptophan into people, they won't notice the empty jars of Heinz brown gravy in the trash can. "Made it from scratch? You bet! What would Thanksgiving be without my special homemade brown-flavored gravy?"

And what is it with "the trimmings?" You'll hear that at least a dozen times between today and Thursday -- "turkey with all the trimmings." Why is Thanksgiving the only meal associated with trimmings? Don't forget about the trimmings. The trimmings are key. They're the only things people care about. In our family, we use Thanksgiving trimmings on the Christmas tree we decorate a few days later. Balls of stuffing hanging from the Tannenbaum make for a nice link between holidays.

I've been the lead chef in plenty of Thanksgiving Day dinners. I was a little nervous during my first, but that was because I had never prepared a meal that size before. It's not difficult, but sometimes the unknown can be intimidating. After I lost my turkey virginity, I quickly realized there are a few Thanksgiving Day truisms to help you get through the day.

Truism No. 1: "There's nothing new in the kitchen." I call this my Thanksgiving Day Prime Directive. Keep it in mind and your worries will melt away like cream butter on a steaming pile of Idaho russets. Most everyone at your table has eaten this exact same meal dozens and dozens and dozens of times. There's only so much you can do with turkey, potatoes (white and/or sweet), gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, dinner rolls and pumpkin pie. Unless your Butterball is still partly frozen, they won't be disappointed.

Truism No. 2: "When it comes to the featured players, don't stray too far off the beaten path." I said in Truism No. 1 that it's difficult to disappoint your Thanksgiving diners. It's equally difficult to swing the pendulum in the other direction: Chance are you aren't going to impress anyone either. Oh sure, you can try to pull a rabbit out of your hat by adding oysters to the stuffing or cilantro to the mashed potatoes, but for every person who appreciates your effort, you'll have someone bemoaning the fact that you tinkered with such an established and traditional meal. You can play around with the secondary items like relish dishes, casseroles, cranberries and salads, but leave the staples to history. No one expects major surprises at the Thanksgiving table. Just stick with the program and everything will turn out fine.

Truism No. 3: "Mix your media." Put simply, turn the TV to the football games but mute the sound, and instead of John Madden's inane rambling and warbling, put on some light music. This way, the guys feel like they're doing what they want to be doing, and the women feel like everyone's enjoying each other's company without the TV being a major focus of the pre- and post-meal activities. If it were up to us guys, we'd gorge ourselves silly for a few hours, loosen our belts and collapse in front of the game like a pod of beached whales. But it's the holidays, so that means we have to make concessions. Some light jazz or even some early Christmas music keeps everyone amiable. As a general rule of thumb, avoid Green Day during the holidays.

Truism No. 4: "Don't push the pie." Remember that 2,200-calorie meal I mentioned? Sometimes even beached whales eat their fill before dessert. Besides, if pumpkin pie is so great, why doesn't anyone eat it the other 364 days of the year? Pumpkin pie is one of those quaint little traditions that most people endure even though they'd be much happier with cherry pie -- or a bag of Oreos for that matter. If your guests politely decline your pumpkin pie offer, don't take it personally.

I hope these little tips help you make your Thanksgiving the best yet. But then again, par is a pretty good number.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net