David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Aug. 10, 2004

Where else can you watch 18 millionaires spit?

Rich men want to spit. They yearn to spit. They aspire to spit. There's nothing a rich man craves more than an afternoon of spitting.

No? How else can you explain all the spitting that big league baseball players do? You'll never see so many millionaires spitting in one setting. Even people who watch only an inning or two of baseball a year will attest that baseball players spit -- a lot. Pro baseball players are some of the wealthiest, best-paid employees on the planet, and yet have the highest per capita spit-count of any job.

Some people have speculated that baseball players spit because they drink so much fluid during a game. They're on the diamond during the dog days of August wearing long pants, long sleeves and heat-preserving caps. After a few minutes of that, I'd be reaching for the Gatorade too, and in order to maintain peak athletic prowess, they must drink a lot during the game. And as they drink and drink and drink, sometimes a little spit must come. That's the argument. It's a stretch, I think, but I've never played pro baseball so what do I know?

The problem with the overly hydrated ballplayer theory is that coaches spit just as much, if not more, than the players. These guys aren't racing around the diamond making plays. They're lounging around the shaded dugout performing all the little duties coaches execute during a game: flashing signs, filling out lineup cards and chatting with his agent on the cell phone about a contract extension. So why do they spit so much?

I think they spit because deep down in the hidden recesses of their overpaid hearts, rich people want to spit. But why? I'm not rich, so I cannot speak with any authority on the subject. Go ask a rich person, but be sure to wear a raincoat when you ask them.

I'm at a loss as to why rich people want to spit, but their desire is obvious. During the course of a year, there are about 20 times that I must spit, not counting twice-daily toothbrushing and twice-yearly visits to the dentist. We humans are comprised of mostly water, and sometimes, but not often, some of that water must exit via spit. So apart from those 20 or so must-spit situations, the rest of the year's spitting is completely voluntary. Since I derive no marginal joy from spitting, my spitting is kept to a minimum.

But an average baseball player probably spits more than 100 times during a nine-inning game.

If they go into extra innings, you could easily ring up a 200-plus spit-count. Do the math with two 25-man rosters, plus maybe 10 coaches per team, and an average MLB game sees about 7,000 spits. It's not like most of these guys chew tobacco like in the olden days, which would certainly explain a fair percentage of the spitting. This is just spit for spit's sake, mostly nicotine-free.

It's not just the baseball players who spit. Pro football players spit a lot, as do hockey players. (Ah, the joy of frozen spit.) All these guys make loads of money and spit like there's no tomorrow. There's hardly any spitting in basketball, of course. You can't run the pick and roll on spit-covered hardwood. Even rich guys know that.

Super-rich women don't spit unless they have to. I've never seen Annika Sorenstam, the Williams sisters nor Mia Hamm spit. They're as rich or richer than some pro baseball players, and yet they play their games spit-free. It seems to be a guy thing.

I wonder if rich men spit a lot in more private settings, like at ultra-exclusive high-dollar country clubs and golf clubs like Augusta National. I can just see them now walking around the pro shop looking over the new line of drivers, all the while spitting on the carpet. They stroll out to the golf carts and spit before motoring off to the first tee. The course itself? Oh, they spit like you wouldn't believe. That's how they keep the grass so lush there -- millionaire and billionaire spitters. Maybe that's why they insist on no women. They don't want to cut back on their clubhouse spitting.

Baseball, football and hockey players can spit because it's accepted behavior, and I'm certain basketball players would spit during the game if it wouldn't cause serious injuries. The problem other rich guys have is that there aren't too many places where it's OK to spit that much. They have to do they're spitting behind closed doors.

Bill Gates is the richest guy of them all, with about $30.2 billion depending on Microsoft's stock price that day. A guy with that much loot must spit a lot. He should buy his own baseball field.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.