David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Oct. 5, 2004

Where do you find a bull stapler? At 27,000 feet

There's only one thing better than shopping online, and that's shopping at a cruising altitude of 27,000 feet. This year, I may be able to complete my entire Christmas list with the help of the trusty Sky Mall catalog, conveniently located in the seat pocket in front of me.

It's a little before 9 p.m. on a Sunday, and I'm in the back row of an airplane flying home after attending a family wedding in Annapolis, MD, a few hours ago. Before I took my seat, I had thought I would write a column about weddings, family togetherness and how to get away from those long-lost relatives who don't know when to shut their traps, but as we taxi down the runway waiting to take off, I flipped through Sky Mall and immediately changed my plans.

There are some items you see only in catalogs like this. This is the kind of catalog which is published for bored, captive people who are desperate to kill a little time. How else can you explain the items featured in this? No one actually buys this stuff, do they?

On page 17 we have a golden oldie of the "junk-you'll-never-purchase" catalogs -- the world's largest crossword puzzle. At a massive 7x7 feet, the puzzle is designed to be attached to a wall, then you go blind tracking down the spaces for "11,281 Across." There are 28,000 clues and a 100-page cluebook. It's yours for about 30 bucks, not including the scaffolding you'll need to buy to reach the tippy top. If I ever receive this as a gift, I'll instantly know the sender hates my guts.

It gets better just two pages later as we look over The Pet Staircase. For a mere $99 for the three-step model all the way up to $149 for the six-step version, your pampered pet won't have to struggle to reach furniture. Old Fluffy can't climb onto your bed to poop on your pillow? Your prayers have been answered.

On this same page is a pet stroller which "is as easy to push as a baby carriage and keeps pets safe, ventilated and shaded." The product is funny enough as is, but the accompanying picture is priceless. It shows a little frilly white poodle in one carriage and a cat in another. The dog, as you would expect, looks thrilled. Dogs have no self-respect and will gladly tolerate pet carriages, doggy raincoats, cheerleading costumes and any other indignity a twisted owner thrusts upon it. The cat, on the other hand, looks absolutely miserable. You just know that if it could talk, it would say, "Please, just kill me. Take me to a vet. Euthanize me. I don't care anymore. I'm a cat, and I'm getting pushed around in a baby carriage. I beg you. Kill me."

Sorry, Fluffy. Maybe Dr. Jack can help you. I feel your pain, though. I truly do.

Moving on, we have another classic item that we've all seen advertised but have never actually seen in anyone's home. It's the shoe buffer and shiner with the a red and a black spinning buffers and the power switch atop a long pole so you can shine and buff your shoes without any unnecessary bending. This gadget has been around for decades, but I've never seen anyone use one. I'm not entirely sure they're still being produced. I suspect that the factory closed in the late 1960s and retailers have been trying to pawn off a warehouse full of these things ever since.

Oh, what else do we have? I like this. It seems like a good idea at first, but you can see a problem brewing. It's the Now You Can Find It! wireless finder. Just attach small keychain clips to your personal items, and if they ever are lost you simply push a button on the master remote control and the beeping keychain clip will show you where your missing doodad is. A fine idea in theory, but what happens when you lose the master remote control? You know it's going to happen. If you misplace important stuff like your keys, cell phone, sunglasses, TiVo remote or whatever, it's a safe bet that the "couch monster" will gobble up the Now You Can Find It! controller. Maybe I should order two and cross-reference. A finder for the finder.

Page 115 has a very, well, curious item. It's a stapler in the shape of a bull. And the bull is made of pewter. And it's a stapler. At it's $100. And it's made of pewter. Did I mention it's a stapler? And it's a bull? Yeah, I don't get it either.

On page 199 we have a treat for the nosey airline passenger. It's a supersensitive microphone that can "capture distant sounds from 300 feet away." I've always wondered what those guys talk about in the cockpit. Now we can listen in. I'd be afraid I'd hear snoring.

And finally, on page 252, I come to my favorite Mall item. It's the Fishnets & Heels Sculptural Table. I'm sorry to inform you that it's exactly what you think it is -- a little table supported by women's legs in fishnets and high-heel red pumps. It's Mr. Parker's "Major Award" minus the lampshade. It looks like something you'd see at Ted Bundy's house -- a disembodied pair of women's legs, hacked off at the knee, transformed into a place to set your drink. Very creepy, but for $99 it can be yours. Jean Shepherd, Scut Farcas and the rest of the neighborhood will love it.

That's about it. We're coming in for a landing. It's time to return my tray table to the upright and locked position. I need to get home. I have some orders to place.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.