David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 23, 2004

Kids are getting older than I am

Sometimes raising kids scares me. It scares me a lot.

I was reading a story in a Knoxville newspaper recently which included a photo of a man and a woman. The man, a publicity-seeking politician, was presenting an award to the attractive woman, who looked to be, oh probably 28, maybe 30.

As I read on, I learned that the "woman" in the photo was no "woman" at all. She's 17! Legally a girl, even in Tennessee! She's a senior! In high school! The gripping-'n'-grinning politician was presenting her a scholarship of some sort, one she'll presumably use when she goes to college - next year!

After the last in a series of full-torso shudders skittered down my back, I began to think. I thought of the past, the present and the future. There were a lot of what-ifs going through my head.

What if I had met this girl socially? Assuming I wasn't married in this fictitious scenario, I might have struck up a conversation with the girl, bought her a drink, asked her what her sign was, and possibly requested her phone number. Then, a day or so later, I might have called her up for dinner and a movie. When her dad answered the phone, no doubt I would have known something wasn't quite right.

"No, Beverly can't come to the phone right now. She's at cheerleading practice."

Another full-torso shudder.

Is it my imagination or do teenagers look a lot older than when I was that age, a mere 17 years ago? I don't recall seeing girls who looked like that in the high school halls. This girl in the newspaper looked amazing. And it's not just the girls. The boys look a lot older too. Most of them have better goatees, beards and mustaches than I've ever had. They're tall. They have arms like tree trunks. They look as though they're taking the day off from the law firm. Some of them even have receding hairlines.

The parental fear grips me as I glance down at my own kids. How will they look when they're 17? Will some goofy, half-educated, 34-year-old newspaper columnist be raising his eyebrows at my 17-year-old daughter's picture? If it's true that teenagers look more mature as the generations pass (and it's not just because I'm getting older), what's in store for my little girl in the year 2018?

I can't imagine. I'm not sure I want to imagine. In fact, I'm not sure I have the capacity to imagine.

But I have a little boy too. What if the roles were reversed? My 17-year-old son's picture is in the newspaper and some goofy, half-educated, 34-year-old female newspaper columnist is raising her eyebrows. What then? Well, I'm not a person who subscribes to conflicting principles. Goose or gander, it's all good -- and all bad.

I'm a man of reason, and a man of reason doesn't chortle and give his teenage son a wink-wink nudge-nudge when a 34-year-old woman makes a pass at him, and then proceeds to go into a maniacal rage when the same thing happens to his teenage daughter. Give me a big fat break. I can't pretend girls are special little angels and boys, well, you know, boys will be boys. What a crock. If at all possible, let's not have a double-standard. One standard will do just fine. If a 34-year-old is hitting on my son or daughter, there are going to be issues.

I know I'm getting older (hey, it's better than the alternative), but it seems like the kids today are actually making up some ground on me. Before I know it, my kids might be older than I.

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One note about last week's column: As I was typing the phrase "verbal snobbery," I thought to myself that there was no way in the world I'd be able to get that column completed without a grammar goof or two of my own. I was right. That's what I get for teasing St. Syntax, the patron saint of publishing. If you saw the mistakes, I apologize. If you didn't, well, forget what I just said. The column was perfect.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.