David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Jan. 31, 2006

Where did my spam go?

I'm happy to report that I've cut spam from my diet. When an opportunity recently presented itself to change my internet service provider, I jumped at the chance. Oh sure it costs less and is more reliable than my previous ISP, but the real treat was that I finally had a reason to change my e-mail address, thus putting my finger in the dike that holds back a cyber-sea of unwanted spam.

I have no doubt that the world's spammers will eventually track me down, but I'm enjoying the break, temporary as it is. The downside is that some spam is kind of fun -- I'd peg the number at approximately 0.006 percent. I relate "fun spam" to watching an infomercial at 3 a.m. It's so stupid yet takes itself so seriously that sometimes you can't help but giggle.

For the past few months I've been collecting some of my favorite spam e-mails with an eye toward writing a column about them. Since I've changed my e-mail address and the flow of spam is at low tide, I thought now would be a good time to share them with you, my gentle readers.

Here's a good one to start with. Blanche Mayer wrote to tell me about great deals in pharmaceuticals from the Great White North. It seems Canada has wonderful dope at rock-bottom prices. I wonder why Mexican pharmacies don't send out spam like the Canucks do. I think it's all about marketing. Americans are more likely to trust a Canadian pharmacy over a Mexican one. Is it a race thing? Probably. Both countries' pharmaceutical laws are a lot looser than ours, but Canada is where we Americans go for cheap meds. Head to Mexico for spring break, but mush those huskies toward Canada for cheap Viagra.

And speaking of Viagra, someone named Goldenson sent me an e-mail about that little blue miracle. What cracks me up is that apparently Viagra now comes in soft tablets. That's right, soft Viagra. Maybe I'm just a big, goofy immature kid at heart who still likes a good whoopee cushion gag, but soft Viagra is funny to me. What's next? A cholesterol pill made to look like an egg yolk?

It's hard to understand the logic behind some of these e-solicitations. Here's one from clearancecrazy.com that's a little, uh, curly. They're offering a free nose and ear hair trimmer as part of a special deal. That's right, a free nose and ear hair trimmer! It's yours absolutely free! Nothing entices a buyer like nose and ear hair. I guess the free bunion remover was last month's hot deal.

Sometimes it's the subject line that gets my attention. Often it has nothing to do with the e-mail itself, and that's the genius at work. If an e-mail has a subject like "Refinance your mortgage" or "Hot Czechs want you" or maybe "Buy an HD television for $142," I'll trash it without even opening it. Larkin Galentine sent me an e-mail with the subject "strenuous halibut." I knew it was a ploy to pique my curiosity, but I couldn't resist. Strenuous halibut? It sounds like a college rock band. I had to peek. It was, of course, yet another ad for Valium, Viagra, Cialis and other elective weekend drugs. No halibut was to be found, neither strenuous nor effortless.

I've got a hot tip for you Super Bowl bettors who will need to "launder" your ill-gotten gains from this weekend's XL. Blake F. Puckett wrote to tell me about an explosive stock that's poised to take off. I don't know about you, but I base all of my financial decisions on anonymous e-mails. I hear Warren Buffett does the same thing. I can't help but wonder to whom this e-mail is intended. Do people exist who are so desperate to get something for nothing that they would consider such action? I'm banking my financial future on the Steelers covering the line.

But if the Seahawks pull out the win, I suppose I could always invest in Altoids vending machines. Candy King wanted me to consider his business opportunity. The scary thing is that an Altoids vending machine actually sounds like a good idea. Those "curiously strong" little mints are hugely popular, and vending machines are as ubiquitous as Paris Hilton without being nearly as annoying. I doubt I'll invest, though. I don't have a nose for that sort of thing.

If you want a sure thing, plunk down your money on cell phone companies that offer AOL Instant Messaging service. Someone named Paul G. e-mailed me about cell phones that allow users to chat online when they're away from their computers. Yeah, that's just what I need. I deleted my Instant Messaging software years ago. I don't have the time.
I was always too busy sorting through my spam.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net