David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Sept. 27, 2005

I envy nappers' ability to kill time

From what I've seen, napping is a good way to kill time. I wish I could do it; sometimes I have time I'd like to kill. It sure would make those long car trips less draining. My problem is that I can't fall asleep unless I'm lying down. It's as simple as that.

There are nappers, and there are non-nappers. Nappers can sleep anywhere, anytime, in any position. I envy nappers that ability. My wife's a napper. I'm convinced she could sleep hanging upside down like a bat if she had to.

Nappers don't care what time of day it is either. As I said in the previous paragraph, napper's can sleep anytime. That's an important trait of the napper. The "anywhere" part and the "any position" part are napping requirements. They're logistical realities. If you can't nap in a cramped airplane coach seat with your trey table digging into your knee, you're not a true napper.

The "anytime" aspect is the key to being a skilled napper. Take my napping spouse, for instance. Let's say we're preparing for a long car trip. Even if we wake up at 8 and get on the road at 9, she'll be asleep by 9:20, a mere 80 minutes after she just woke up from a full night's sleep. (Of course I'm speaking of our BC years, Before Children. With a 4- and 2-year-old in the car, my wife's naps are doled out in tiny amounts, on their schedule and on their terms. "Mommy, Phil hit me!" "Mommy, I dropped my banana." "Mommy, I need to potty." "Mommy, where are my Crayons?" "Mommy, I saw a cow pooping!" There are times when it's beneficial to be a non-napper and hence relegated to driving duties. This is one of those times.)

As I said, the "anytime" attribute is crucial, but I've observed that "anytime" also requires some self-restraint on the part of the napper. Just because a person can nap doesn't necessarily mean she should nap. Let's return to our minivan for the following scenario: We're on the road. It's late. Everyone's tired. The kids have already conked out. It's a perfect opportunity for my wife to take a nap, but we're 45 minute from home. If she falls asleep now and snoozes all the way home, she won't be tired and ready for bed when we get there. Now I'm stuck with a wife who tosses and turns all night because she can't sleep. Curse those dastardly naps! They're tearing families apart!

Part of my problem with napping is that I'm a fairly large guy. Most car seats and airplane seats aren't built with big lugs in mind. Napping requires that your head be at rest, at least to some degree. That's a tall order, so to speak, for me. When I sit in an airplane seat, my head is far above the headrest. My head has no place to go. I'm not a cow. I can't sleep standing up, and I can't sleep with my head wobbling from side to side. When I sleep, my head needs to lie against something. I can scoot down in the seat a little to give my head some support, but then my knees are jammed up against the seat back and the airsickness bag.

The bottom line is that regardless of how tired I am or as much as I'd like to kill a few hours under Morpheus' spell, I'm stuck flipping through the SkyMall catalog wondering whether I need a battery-powered fingernail clipper or a bottle opener that plays "Another One Bites The Dust" every time you pop a top.

Even if I could nap, I'm not sure I would nap much anyway. I've napped in my life, albeit very infrequently, and I usually feel more tired after a nap than I did before the nap. It's as though my body's internal clock resets during a nap and suddenly it's morning again, even when I wake up at 4:30 in the afternoon. My hair's a mess, I have morning breath, there's crud in my eyes -- it's not a pretty picture. I'm not a morning person. I can tolerate but one morning a day, and waking from a nap feels like morning.

Besides, I wouldn't want to be one of those nappers who sleeps smack dab in the middle of the living room and expects everyone in the whole house to tiptoe around him. If you want to sleep, do it right - get your jammies on and go to bed.

Either that or go sleep in the car. But be careful where you sit. Phil dropped a banana in there somewhere, and we haven't found it yet.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.