David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Oct. 25, 2005

Maybe Phil and Anna should be Fyll and Aenah

Where's Nick, my buddy? What ever happened to Tony? He was here just a minute ago. Steve? Are you still around? Did Joe go to the store? I haven't seen him around much.

When the time came to name our kids, my wife and I knew we didn't want names that they'd have to spell for people. I've already saddled my kids with last names that they'll have to spell.

"Last name?"

"Spates"

"Could you spell that?"

"S, P as in Paul, A, T as in Tom, E, S. Spates"

"Oh, I see. Spates."

"Right, that's what I said."

I'm not sure why people have such a hard time with it, but they do. They usually think it's Spats. It makes me wonder if they think they live in the United Stats of America. With a name like Spates, I didn't want to force our kids to spell their first name as well. It's too much. So we went with Anna and Phillip, realizing most everyone would call him Phil.

I wanted nice, solid, normal names, but in today's United Stats, normal names are almost a novelty. When I tell people their names, they're somewhat shocked. Most folks are so accustomed to hearing trendy names that when they hear a traditional name they can hardly believe their ears. I mean, come on! It's not like we pulled out an old Farmer's Almanac from the late 1800s and named our kids Opal and Chester. This is Anna and Phil! I went to school with Annas and Phils. If you're old enough to read this column, you probably did too.

Even with our best intentions, things still don't always work out like we hoped. Even with easy names like Anna and Phil, I still get asked, "How do you spell that?" It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen. Many modern-day parents not only want their kids to have "unique and interesting" names, but they also want those names to be spelled in "unique and interesting" ways. Linda is sometimes Lynda. Andrew is sometimes Andru. Jennifer is sometimes Gennifer. Michael is sometimes Mikell. What do these people think I did with my kids' names? Would Phil be Fyll? Could Anna be spelled Aenah?

Parents think their kids' names have an impact on the kind of adults they'll grow up to be. They may be right. Jerry Seinfeld used to have a standup bit about naming a boy Jeeves. Naming a kid Jeeves pretty well sets his life along a clear path. There's little chance Jeeves is going to be the star of the football team. Jeeves won't be a police officer, a captain of industry, a construction worker or a marine biologist. And there's no chance he'll ever be a politician. Jeeves will never make it through the primaries, and he'll never be president of the United Stats.

Even more disturbing than the idea of President Jeeves is the trend of parents naming their kids after celebrities, some of whom are well into their 16th minute of fame. Walk through a preschool and you'll hear Kobe, Shania, Britney and Keanu. ("I've got to get on that bus.") There are even, and this is more frightening than mere words can describe, little girls named Paris.

Let's pause for a moment and think about Paris. According to the Social Security Administration Web site, the name Paris shot up in popularity recently. Somehow the shy, reclusive, dignified hotel heiress Paris Hilton has become an international celebrity, and parents all over this country are naming their little girls Paris. In case you've forgotten what jump-started Paris' fame, do a Web search. Just make sure your kids aren't in the room when you do it.

If you look hard enough, you'll find negatives associated with any name, Anna and Phil included. I don't want my daughter to be like Anna Nicole Smith, and I don't want my son to be like, Phil Spector. (I know Phil Spector's a stretch there, but I couldn't think of another naughty Phil. Phil's a pretty good guy. You've got Dr. Phil, Phil Collins, Phil Mickelson, Phil Jackson, Phil Everly, Phil Fulmer. Even burrowing rodents like Punxsutawney Phil give folks a reason to smile once a year. Hey, Phil's the man.)

What's in a name? Plenty. Let me end with this: If Zander, Cayden and Kyan got into a fight with Vince, Joe and Tony, who do you think would win?

Exactly.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net