David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Feb. 1, 2005

Nail in the skull? I'm afraid Tylenol won't suffice

Have you ever had one of those headaches that just wouldn't go away? Usually you know why you have a headache, and you can do something about it. If the kids have been screaming and crying all afternoon, a few quite moments and a couple of Tylenols will stop the pounding. If the previous night included more than its share of imbibing and the last words you heard that evening were "last call," then a morning in bed watching cartoons and a strong pot of coffee will dull your throbbing gourd.

There are numerous other types of headaches, and they're pretty easy to remedy. The April 15 headache, the in-law headache, the waiting for technical support on the phone headache, the driving on Washington's Beltway at 5:30 p.m. headache -- they're all readily curable.

But what if you shoot a nail through your skull? That headache must be a bear. You could probably take every pill in the pharmacy and not get rid of that one.

Just ask Patrick Lawler of Littleton, CO. Not only did he have a headache, he had a toothache too and even blurred vision. To make matters worse, he didn't know the nail was lodged in his head. Yes, somehow, miraculously, Patrick's nail gun backfired a four-inch nail into his skull, and he didn't know it.

I wish, for Patrick's sake, I were making this up, but this is too bizarre a story for my listless brain to weave. Can you imagine: A) Having a nail shot into your head; and B) Walking around for six days with it? It's too outlandish to believe. If it were a scene in a movie, I'd roll my eyes and mutter to my wife, "Yeah, right. This is so stupid. Is anything else on? See if Nick at Nite is still running its 'Joanie Loves Chachi' marathon."

According to the Associated Press story, Patrick thought he had a "minor toothache." (Not a major toothache, mind you, a minor one. I guess for him to suspect a major toothache, he would have had to have a railroad spike up there.) He took some painkillers, iced down the swelling and ate some ice cream, but the headache and toothache didn't go away.

He went to his dentist, and that's when all became apparent. He was taken immediately to a Denver hospital and underwent a four-hour surgery to remove the nail, which had penetrated an inch and a half into his brain, narrowly missing his right eye. Wouldn't you just love to see the X-ray?

I'm happy to report that despite being saddled with $80,000 to $100,000 in medical bills and no insurance, Patrick The Nail Catcher is in pretty good spirits. He should make a full recovery. All's well that ends well, or pick whatever cliché that might be appropriate for a nail in the skull.

But it gets even better, and like I said, I couldn't possibly make this up.

You would think Patrick's injury would be a one a zillion wound, but never discount the power and underhandedness of an American-made nail gun.

"This is the second one we've seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn't actually realize the nail had been imbedded in their skull," neurosurgeon Sean Markey told KUSA-TV in Denver.

The second one? In that hospital? What's going on over there in Colorado? Do you mean to tell me that, while certainly rare, this sort of thing has happened before? It just goes to show that there are some issues I know absolutely nothing about. If you would have asked me to estimate the number of people who, during the entirety of man's medical history, have been shot unknowingly the head with a nail gun and lived, I would have guessed one, maybe two. I would have been WAY off. There were two -- in one hospital, for cryin' out loud!

There are hundreds and hundreds of hospitals dotting our great country. Who knows how often this happens.

And finally, here's the kicker that wraps up the whole story with a nice, big bow. Patrick's wife is quoted as saying, "The doctors said, 'If you're going to have a nail in the brain, that's the way you want it to be.' He's the luckiest guy ever."

Talk about an optimist seeing the glass half full. Regardless of the patient's outcome, "lucky" is probably the last adjective in Webster's that I'd use to describe someone shot in the head with a nail gun. Patrick has a good woman there.

One thing's for certain. The next time I have a headache, I'm going to wish I had a metal detector handy. Just in case.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.