David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 9, 2004

"My kid" just doesn't sound right -- but then, neither does "my husbands"

There's a wonderful side-benefit to having more than one child, and that is when you refer to your offspring, you can call them "kids." It just rolls off the tongue so nicely.

"My kids like to play at the park."

"My kids are watching Elmo."

"My kids have projectile vomiting."

It's a great way to start a conversation. You can kick off almost any topic with "my kids," but "my kid" isn't a phrase parents of an only child use very often. Before we had our son, we never used the word "kid" to refer to Anna. For whatever reason, it doesn't have the same ring to it.

"My kid is eating breakfast."

"My kid went to the dentist for the first time."

"My kid likes to lick worms."

It almost sounds like the parent is mad about what the kid is doing. Why is that? Why does "my kids" sound so natural, but "my kid" seems to have a degree of aggravation attached to it?

I never said "my kid" when it was just Anna on the scene, but after Phil was born, I throw around the phrase "my kids" like crazy.

When we had one child, I referred to her by name. It seemed simpler that way, and it made me feel as though I was respecting her as a person rather than labeling her with an generic, nondescriptive word that everybody uses for their kids.

"Anna is eating with a spoon now."

"Anna picked out her own clothes today."

"Anna put the cat in the toilet."

But when Phil came along, it got too cumbersome to say "Phil and Anna" every time I talked about them. Obviously they are separate individuals, but, from a parenting standpoint, they often are considered as a tight little twosome. Nearly two years after he arrived, it's developed into a part-counterpart relationship -- Yin and Yang, salt and pepper, Bonnie and Clyde, peanut butter and jelly, R2-D2 and C-3PO. They're less than 20 months apart, so it's only natural that their needs and desires would be closely related at this stage. It would be different if Anna were 13 years old and then all of the sudden Mom and Dad announced that there's a "surprise" on the way. They'd still be "my kids," but they'd be a lot more different in terms of parental duties.

Oh sure, I could say "they" when I refer to Anna and Phil, but what fun is that? My life is filled with "theys." I have too many "theys" as it is. "They" is so broad, so common.

"They always mess up your order at the drive-thru window."

"They think Southerners are stupid."

"You know what they say: A tie in football is like kissing your sister."

I don't know who "they" are who say all these things, but they seem to forget about the Brady family on that last one. Greg could have kissed Marcia if he wanted to. They weren't biological siblings, so maybe a little sister-kissing wouldn't have been all that bad. After all, they shared a bathroom. If a male and a female can share a bathroom without killing each other, than maybe that's not such a terrible relationship.

Like I said, there are too many "theys" in my life, and these are my children. Anna and Phil deserve something a little more special than "they." These two little people are my flesh and blood. Anna and Phil carry my genes. If either one of them needed a kidney, I am the person I'd insist the surgeon carve up like a Christmas ham. I'll endure an endless parade of "theys" in my lifetime, but Anna and Phil will always be "my kids."

As I was considering that fabulous phrase, I wondered how it is to be a polygamist. What fun that would be!

"My wives are at the mall shopping."

"My wives don't like it when I put my feet on the coffee table."

"If I'm going to watch the end of the game, I'd better call my wives and tell them I'm going to be late."

Perhaps the only thing more fun than the phrase a polygamist gets to use is the phrase a polyandrist can hit you with.

"My husbands are taking me to Cozymel for our anniversaries."

"My husbands just sit around all day, watch Jerry Springer and drink Old Milwaukee."

"My husbands leave the seat up all the time!"

You know what they say: The more the merrier.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.