David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 26, 2005

Someone shot my car with a magnet!

Do you want to give your car that "freshly attacked" look but just don't have the ammunition? Well holster that sidearm, pard'ner. This is your lucky day.

From the folks who brought us Calvin peeing on a Ford, Calvin peeing on Jeff Gordon's 24, Calvin peeing on a Florida Gator, and Calvin peeing on Windows XP, we now have magnetic bullet holes.

You can buy them at your local Sprawl-Mart, Kwik-E-Mart or darn near any other mart you can think of. You can even buy them online -- thank goodness for the Technology Age.

Confused? So was I. They're flexible little magnets painted to look like a bullet has been shot into the car's metal. When I first saw one, to be honest, I chuckled a bit because they're very realistic looking. I was looking at the bullet hole and wondering what the circumstances were that led to the car being shot. A few seconds later, I spotted another bullet hole on the same car and noticed that it was the exact same shape, size and color of the first one. I'm not a ballistics expert, but I know enough about the physical world to realize that something was up. Upon closer inspection, I got the gag.

Hence the chuckle. I like to think of myself as someone who isn't fooled easily, but I bit hard on that one -- hook, line and bullet hole. You got me.

Later that day as I was reflecting on the ersatz bullet holes and my own gullibility, I wondered why someone would go through the expense and effort. Was my reaction and inaudible chuckle the desired effect? Perhaps the car owner wants people to think he really has bullet holes in his car. If so, why? What's the image he's hoping to portray? Is it that he's some sort of tough-guy gangster who lives on the edge of annihilation and is fortunate to have escaped such a harrowing attack?

I know, I know. It's nothing so serious. It's just kids having fun. I did stupid stuff when I was young too. I can't think of what the exact stupidity was, but I'm sure I must have done something.

When you're young, you buy goofy stuff, and corporate America knows it. One retailer of the magnetic bullet holes claims on its Web site that they have "unlimited uses" and proceeds to rattle off a few. So let's see where else these folks suggest I put my fake bullet holes:

Lockers -- Ah, yes. What better place for a bullet hole? As if schools aren't jittery enough in the shadow of school violence, I'm sure a few fake bullet holes will give everyone a good laugh. Perhaps Michael Moore can make a "Bowling for Columbine" sequel and turn his cameras on the magnet industry.

Tool boxes -- Many's the time I've been under the sink fixing a leaky pipe with my tool box near my head when suddenly shots ring out. If it weren't for my trusty tool box to dive behind, I would have surely perished quite a few leaks ago.

Cabinets -- My wife's not a great cook, but I've never shot up the kitchen because she overcooked the green beans.

Appliances -- I don't know what kind of appliances they're suggesting, but there have been times when I wished I could crack off a few rounds into the washing machine. Sometimes the blender leaves big chunks of ice in a Cinco de Mayo margarita. It gets a blast for that, right between the "mix" and "puree" buttons. The dishwasher? Don't even get me started. I can't tell you how angry I get when egg sticks to a fork.

Riding mowers -- In suburbia, where I live, we encourage our neighbors to mow their lawns regularly. I would think gunshot blasts might inhibit that endeavor. Some guys are just looking for an excuse, any excuse, not to mow.

Those are all fine suggestions. Who doesn't love telltale signs of gunplay?

The magnet magnates are missing out on a gold mine, though. They should sell those bullet hole magnets in the Graceland gift shop. I can hear the sales pitch now: "Shoot your TV just like The King without having to buy a new set!" Who among us hasn't been tanked with prescription painkillers and wanted to blast a Sony or two when we see that insipid Paris Hilton?

Marketing, marketing ... that's where I belong.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.