David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Sept. 20, 2005

Hook me up to the Jerk-O-Meter

I can spot jerks a mile away, but I've never thought of quantitatively rating their jerkiness. If those kids at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology can pull it off, they deserve gold stars on their pocket protectors.

The guy who snaps his fingers to get the waitress's attention? A 68-percent jerk. The woman butts to the front of the line because her time is so much more important than everyone else's? An 83-percent jerk. The teenagers who talk through the entire movie at the theater? A pair of 44-percent jerks, but with years ahead to develop their craft. The guy who bangs into your parked car and doesn't bother to even leave a note? A whopping 96-percent jerk.

Those are just my estimates. I have no scientific way to accurately measure levels of jerkdom, and not all jerks are created equal. A jerk who bases his opinions of women solely on their looks is obviously much more of a jerk than the jerk who goes through the express check-out lane with three too many items. I'd estimate that first jerk at 98 percent, while jerk No. 2 might score only a 39. It seems wrong to label them both as jerks when the first jerk is significantly jerkier. There are degrees of jerkiness -- it's not an all-or-nothing status. It's a sliding scale.

I require a jerk gauge. I could use a jerk indicator. What I need is the Jerk-O-Meter.

Pocket protector clichés aside, the folks at MIT are working on something that is actually pretty intriguing. They're developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and vocal tones to rate people on how engaged they are in a conversation. They call it, as you might have guessed, the Jerk-O-Meter. Ah, what wondrous times are these!

According to a story on CNN.com, the Jerk-O-Meter's project leader (does that make him the head jerk?) said the software uses algorithms to measure levels of stress and empathy in a person's voice. It also keeps track of how often someone speaks. I didn't realize that not having much to say meant you're a jerk, but I didn't get into MIT either, so what do I know?

The Jerk-O-Meter currently monitors only the user's end of the conversation. If his attention is straying, a message pops up on the phone that warns, "Don't be a jerk!" or "Be a little nicer now." A score closer to 100 percent would prompt, "Wow, you're a smooth talker."

However, the Jerk-O-Meter also could be set up to test the voice on the other end of the line. Then it could send the tester such reports as: "This person is acting like a jerk. Do you want to hang up?"

It all sounds good in theory, but would you want to talk to someone who had it installed on his phone? This seems like one of those products that everyone might enjoy but that no one would want to be subjected to -- kind of like call waiting. If you're the person who gets "a call on the other line," it's no big deal. You click over and then make a determination of which call is a priority. The problem is that there are two other parties in this little love triangle, and someone's bound to get his feelings hurt. That's why we got rid of our call waiting. I hated to make the choice. Now, when the phone's busy, the phone's busy, and no one can get upset about that.

Anmol Madan (a.k.a. the head jerk) said he sees the Jerk-O-Meter as a tool for improving relationships. Or it might assist telephone sales and marketing efforts. "Think of a situation where you could actually prevent an argument," he said. "Just having this device can make people more attentive because they know they're being monitored."

I'm afraid that if a phone could tell when I'm bored, it wouldn't be too long until a phone could tell when I'm lying. That would really be embarrassing.

"Hi, Dave. I'm sorry to call this early. Did I wake you up?"

"Umm, what? Oh, no. I'm always up at 5:30 a.m."

Right then is when the Liar-O-Meter would go off with a big, loud BUZZ! Busted.

"Yes, dear, I finished mowing the yard."

BUZZ!

"I'd like to contribute, but I just made a sizable donation to the Benevolent Order of Ostrich Enthusiasts last month."

BUZZ!

"No, no, no. You're getting me all wrong. I fully intend to pay my collegiate parking tickets."

BUZZ!

"Oh, no. I turned off my Jerk-O-Meter as soon as I knew it was you who was calling. I never get tired of talking to you."

BUZZ!

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.