David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published March 29, 2005

Column ideas for sale: Make an offer!

My "Column Ideas" list on my computer's notepad is awfully cluttered, so it's time for a spring cleaning. Some of these half-baked ideas have been around longer than my 2-year-old son. If I can't come up with a full column by now, it's time to fish or cut bait.

No, wait. Here's a good idea. Rather than just throwing them away, I'll have a garage sale! I'll put an ad in the classifieds. I'll draw signs and post them around town. I'll even put helium-filled balloons on my mailbox. That way, I can make a couple of bucks from these old ideas.

We had a real garage sale a couple of years ago, and someone paid good money for a small box of old Tupperware lids -- no bowls mind you, just the lids. If someone is willing to buy Tupperware lids for nonexistent bowls, certainly they'll drop a buck or two for a loose column idea.

Immortal CDs (50 cents each)
The good thing about CDs is they last forever. I've been buying CDs since the late 1980s, and the discs I bought back then sound just as good as a CD I bought last week. It really is amazing when you consider what some of those discs have been through. Many of them survived four years of college. That's impressive. College kids tear stuff up like no one else, except for maybe a toddler. Some of my CDs were used as coasters, some as Frisbees, some as ninja throwing stars, and some as trivets so we could balance our bowls of hot Raman Noodles on our knees and watch "The Price Is Right." Through all of the abuse, every one of those CDs (at least the ones that didn't "walk off" with roommates after graduation) plays perfectly today.

I said the good thing about CDs is they last forever. The bad thing about CDs is, well, they last forever. Some of the music I bought back in the '80s should not have survived to see 2005. Those CDs have not aged well. Night Ranger and REO Speedwagon have no business being in my CD library today, and yet there they are, sounding just as good (good being a relative term here) as they did back in the day.

When tapes and records wore out, it signaled an important musical fork in the road. Either you enjoyed the music enough to repurchase a copy or you simply threw it away. You were the Roman emperor giving thumbs-up or thumbs-down. My Night Ranger CD should have been fed to the lions years ago.

FAQ (15 cents)
If you've spent any time surfing the Web, you've come across the abbreviation FAQ. It stands for frequently asked questions. It's a list of often-asked questions about a certain topic. It's a good place to start when you're looking for information. If you have a question, chances are someone else had the same question, even if it was a stupid one. Just click on FAQ and see if your question has already been asked and answered.

But what if you don't know what FAQ means? Is one of the frequently asked questions, "What is FAQ?" Where would you go to find an answer to that? It's like some demented chicken-and-the-egg riddle.

Little Richie Rich (30 cents)
Am I the only one who's a little tired of hearing about the rich and famous having children? I've seen them on TV talk shows and in newspaper stories saying how difficult it is to balance their professional life with their parental life. Give me a big fat break. If you're pulling in $3 million per CD or $6 million per movie, you're not like other parents. You have on-staff nurses, nannies, paid assistants, the works. Please do us all a favor and just shut your trap.

And speaking of trap shuting, I know Britney Spears is an extreme case of dimwittedness, but I recently read a quote of hers that made my jaw clench. Apparently Britney was recently married to some guy who has a couple of kids from a previous ... whatever. "Like omigod, I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks."

I think we can all empathize with Britney's tribulations. She needs to hit some garage sales. They always put me in a better mood.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.