David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 17, 2005

It seems you women like hot babes as well

So many thoughts, so little space on page the opinion page ...

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I spend a lot of time in the grocery store check-out lane, usually doing whatever I can to pacify my kids while we wait for the "beep-beep lady" to finish with the customer in front of us. It's a difficult task, but sometimes Anna and Phil cooperate for a few seconds and allow me to peruse the covers of the women's magazines. I've noticed something about the covers. They mostly feature gorgeous woman, hot babes as it were.

They regularly adorn the covers of women's magazines like Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Glamour (George Costanza's personal favorite), Elle and Vogue, but even magazines like Good Housekeeping often feature pretty women. Good Housekeeping indeed.

Now march over to the men's magazines section and take a look. What do you see? Right! More hot babes. They're even on the covers of car and computer magazines. There's probably a wood-working magazine with girls in bikinis. I understand why beautiful women are on men's magazines. We are, after all, pretty simple animals. If you can't sell something to a man, well, you're just not showing enough leg.

But why do you women want to see beautiful women on your magazines? It's counterintuitive. I'd think you'd want hunky guys, but editors of women's magazines know what sells issues. If you ladies really wanted hunky guys on your magazines, you'd get them. I'm sure editors tried hunks but found that beautiful women sold more magazines. Magazine editors don't care. They'd put an iguana in a two-piece swimsuit if they thought they could sell an extra 100,000 copies.

So why are hot babes on everyone's magazines? Well, I think the answer is obvious. Hot babes rule the world.

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This will sound strange, but when I'm in other parts of the country, I like to check out the potato chip aisles at the local grocery stores. (I can hear you now: "More grocery store observations?" I know, I know, but for a stay-at-home dad, a grocery store outing is a major event.)

Everyone has the big-time national sellers: Doritos, Ruffles, Fritos, Cheetos. I like buying the second-tier chips when I'm on the road. Generally they're the ones located below the popular chips, maybe just a few inches off the freshly waxed floor.

In the South we have Golden Flake, but wherever you go you'll be sure to find a chip company that copies what the boys at Frito-Lay are selling, but at the same time gives its products a local flavor. I like the fact that these smaller chipmakers are keeping the big guys on their toes. Research and development is crucial to chip advancements.

Also, some of the regional snacks have unique flavors that you just won't find among the nationwide chips. The next time you're at the beach or in the Rockies or on the West Coast, try something new. Your humdrum Pringles will be there when you get home.

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The kids, wife and I were watching one of "their" movies (i.e. an animated feature we've all seen at least 450 times, in this case Ice Age) when I noticed the PG warning before the actual movie started and after the FBI warned me to not even think about copying the DVD. It seems Ice Age is rated PG because of content that includes, and I quote, "mild peril." That was the only warning -- no cursing, no violence, no nudity, no drug references. Just a wee bit o' peril.

My dinky little dictionary defines peril as "1. Imminent danger. 2. Exposure to the risk of harm or loss." That being said, I'm not sure what "mild peril" would entail. Mild, yet imminent, danger? Or perhaps there is mild exposure to the risk of harm or loss. Exposure to the mild risk of harm or loss? Maybe Exposure to the risk of mild harm or loss? Or could it be -- oh, never mind.

We grade the movies our kids see by our own sets of values. Funny enough, Ice Age is tamer than some G-rated flicks my kids also love. Take Snow White, for instance. The evil queen tells her flunky to take Snow White into the deep woods, stab her with a big knife and bring the heart back to her in a special keepsake box. Did I mention Snow White is rated G? The flunky doesn't do it, and Snow White lives happily ever after, but that's the opening salvo. It gets better from there.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.