David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Nov. 8, 2005

Elmo's in jail, and I'm riding a shopping cart

Still wiping tears from my eyes after my Hokies' shameful loss to Miami, I, your humble weisenheimer, proffer the following observations. Don't worry, they're not related to football in any way, shape or Pasadena-trip-derailing manner.

It's about time someone tossed Elmo in jail. I've wanted to do it for about four years now. I'm just glad my kids weren't there in Los Angeles to see Elmo's lawyer covering his client's face with a sport coat while hurrying through the perp walk.

A man dressed as the Sesame Street character was arrested last month for harassing tourists for tips after posing for photos on Hollywood Boulevard. Again, I'm thankful my kids weren't there.

"Daddy, why does Elmo keep asking us for $4? I thought he wanted to have his picture taken." Boy, talk about a childhood trauma that would lead to extensive couch time in the psychiatrist's office.

It gets better.

Donn Harper, 45, was among a handful of impersonators who were taken into custody -- at gunpoint -- and charged with aggressive begging. According to CNN, Harper said he makes about $400 a day in tips dressing up as Elmo and having his picture taken with tourists. That's more than $145,000 a year to you and me, Rusty. I'm in the wrong business. Maybe I could get a clearanced-out Big Bird costume and cash in.

Elmo's attorney, Cookie Monster, could not be reached for comment.

I have totally and unabashedly immersed myself in the role as full-time Daddy. How can I tell? The other day I made a trip to the grocery store alone, a rare occurrence for me. Usually I have my diminutive progeny in tow. As I was leaving the store, I found myself pushing the cart really fast and hopping up on the back for a joyride. Weeeeeee!

Did I mention my kids weren't with me? Yeah, I thought so.

The joyride through the parking lot is a tradition. The kids are seated in the cart and as soon as we hit pavement, they yell, "Go fast! Go fast!" If the parking lot's not too crowded and I don't see any moving cars, I usually oblige. They love it, and it's fun for me as well. It's a guy thing, though. I don't see many Moms doing it. Women are more mature, I suppose.

But there I was, all alone with a cart full of groceries, "going fast! going fast!" through the parking lot. An elderly woman shot me a look. For an instant, I considered explaining myself to her, but instead I just zipped by. An explanation would take too long, and whatever words I could muster wouldn't really explain what I was doing with any understandable logic.
I kept the ride going for as long as my momentum and gravity would take me. My role as a Daddy will last much longer.

You've heard the expression "mind your P's and Q's." I prefer to mind my peas and cues, but that's another column for another day. In Turkey, you had better mind your Q's and W's because the "Letter Police" are aching to hand out some tickets.

According to USA Today, a Turkish court fined 20 people for using the letters Q and W on placards for a Kurdish new year celebration. The "QW20," as I've dubbed them, are guilty of breaking a law that bans the use of characters not in the Turkish alphabet. Each person was fined 100 new lira, which is about 75 bucks. The 1928 Law on the Adoption and Application of Turkish Letters changed the Turkish alphabet from the Arabic script to a modified Latin script and required all signs, advertising, newspapers and official documents to only use Turkish letters.

And you thought your third-grade English teacher was a stickler for spelling? At least she wasn't Turkish.

And finally, if a child asks you what the meaning of "ironic" is, the following example will more than suffice. Stage actress Sutton Foster was rehearsing a song called "I'm An Accident Waiting To Happen" when she fell and broke her arm. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I just can't help myself. I'm a bad boy.

According to the Associated Press, she was rehearsing the musical "The Drowsy Chaperone," which is scheduled to open Nov. 18 at Los Angeles' Ahmanson Theatre.

I hope Sutton recovers in time for opening night, but until then she can take solace in the fact that she will provide "ironic" understanding and clarity for the youth of America.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net