David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 12, 2005

I have cast out the cursive demon from my soul

Is there a rule that a signature must be in cursive? I hope not, because it's time for a change. I'm tired of cashiers' smirks and waiters' raised eyebrows. Mostly though, I'm tired of my father looking at my signature as though he were trying to decipher hieroglyphics.

Writing in cursive has always been a chore for me. The difficulty started in school with those dot-to-dot letter-tracing sheets. I never liked those. As a kid, if I had to spend valuable time doing dot-to-dots, I'd at least like to see a picture of Curious George at the end of the process. Letters? Ho-hum.

But learning cursive was required, and, reluctantly, I did. I didn't enjoy it. When we had a writing assignment to complete, I'd ask the teacher if we could print it or if we had to do it in cursive. For me, printing was much quicker, neater and required much less heartache. A book report mandated in cursive was the worst. Writing the name "Rikki-tikki-tavi" in cursive is brutal. Try it sometime, but be warned: You might sprain your wrist.

So I printed whenever possible, right on through to adult life -- except for my signature. For some reason, I had always assumed a signature must be in cursive, as if Mrs. Ford, my elementary school English teacher who tortured me with those dot-to-dot exercises, reigned over the entire country.

Early in my adult life, my cursive signature wasn't too bad. When I first started to sign "adult" documents -- my first car purchase, my first apartment lease, my first credit card application - I was careful to do a good job with my cursive, or at least as good a job as I could muster. These were important documents, right? You don't want to fool around with them. For all I knew, my credit rating was based on my ability to clearly write a cursive capital "S".

But as I trudged through years of adult life, my cursive signature began to degrade. Remember those important "adult" documents I signed as a 19-year-old? What's important to a 19-year-old is little more than a yawn to a 35-year-old. In the span of 16 years of signing my name thousands of times, my cursive signature is all but illegible. If you strain your eyes you might be able to make out the first letters, the "D" and the "S". After those two letters, though, there's nothing you'd recognize as English.

In hindsight, it was embarrassing. I'm a fairly intelligent, somewhat literate guy who can manage to string a few whimsical words together, but you'd never know it by looking at my signature. I might as well have signed with a big fat "X".

But I'm turning my life around. I'm quitting cold turkey -- no more cursive signature. I obviously cannot be trusted to use it properly and responsibly. For about three weeks now I've been printing my signature, and it looks great. Not only can you make out the "D" and the "S" but all the little letters in between. After years of scribbling a signature that would make even a pharmacist cringe, it's a joy to attach my name, in all its glory, to my "adult" documents.

I wish I had started doing this years ago. If you look at my kids' birth certificates, you'd have no idea who the father is. A "D" and an "S"? For all anyone would know, David Schwimmer sired my children.

I must give my father credit for my signature awareness. A month or so ago he saw me sign something with my careless cursive signature, and he commented, "Is THAT your signature?" Uh, well, yeah, I guess. I hadn't really looked at it in a while, but there it was -- an illegible mess from someone seemingly wavering in and out of consciousness.

His comment gnawed at me for a few weeks, but I didn't know why it bothered me, until one day I had clarity of thought. He's right. It's horrible. I should be ashamed. There's no reason for an educated person to sign anything that poorly. Who do I think I am? A doctor? I don't care how old you get, you always want to make dad proud.

Surely to Mrs. Ford's chagrin, I've gone back to printing. Cursive is out of my life forever. Good riddance I say. Take a look at a cursive capital "Q". It's a "2"! A capital "Z" looks like someone ripped the wings off a butterfly. A lowercase "f". I don't know what's going on there, but it's nothing I want to be involved with. I would always mistake a lowercase "m" and a lowercase "n". Why does anyone think an "m" needs three humps? And I could never write a cursive capital "L" without thinking of Laverne's sweaters. Nope, cursive's not for me.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ford. I've got some important documents to sign.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.