David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Oct. 19, 2004

11 days until Halloween is still too early to buy candy

These are trying times for our family -- times when our patience will be stretched, our resolve tested. Many families aren't up to the challenge and cave in under the stress. It won't be easy, but I'm confident we Spateses will emerge from this challenge a better, stronger, more cohesive unit.

I'm speaking, of course, about Halloween candy, one of the greatest temptations every inflicted upon the American family. As I said, these are trying times. It's mid-October, and Halloween is almost here -- but there's the tricky part, "almost."

It's the "almost" that makes passing the grocery store's Halloween aisle so difficult. After all, as of today, Halloween is just 11 days away. It's not a matter of if I'll buy candy for the trick-or-treaters, it's just a matter of when, so why not pick it up today while I'm at the store? I'm just saving myself from having to buy it later, right? What's the harm?

"Logic" like that gets me into trouble, and that "logic" is the sole reason you see Halloween candy on the shelves in early September. Grocers know that if they get the Halloween candy out early, we chocoholics will buy more than we'll ever need to satisfy the trick-or-treating demand.

It's all marketing. No one in American history has ever purchased Halloween candy in September and gone on to actually serve that same candy Oct. 31. Candy bought in September will never, ever see the inside of a plastic pumpkin. In fact, it's a good bet that September candy may never emerge from the car, relegated to spend its days within arm's reach in the glove compartment or in the passenger's seat.

Not only is Halloween candy accessible, but Halloween candy also is extraordinarily tempting. Interestingly, though, the temptation isn't due primarily to Halloween candy's taste. A Snickers bar bought in April is the same Snickers bar bought in September, but -- and there's no gentle way to say this -- size matters.

The reason you don't eat a Snickers whenever you want in April is because they're so big and loaded with empty calories, fat, carbs, you name it. If you eat a king size Snickers bar, you've downed a whopping 541 calories, 250 of which are from fat, plus a gut-bloating 67 grams of carbs. Even the normal bar is 273 calories, with 126 calories from fat and nearly 34 grams of carbs. A Snickers bar in April is a serious commitment, not to be entered into lightly. You don't fool around with a loaded Snickers.

But Halloween candy is different. It, as the package reminds us, is "fun size!" Teeny, tiny little Snickers bars are so small that you can pop the entire thing in your mouth. How can that little thing possibly be bad for you? A fun size Snickers packs a mere 72 calories, with only 33 itty-bitty calories from fat and just 9 teensy-weensy insignificant grams of cutesy wootsy carbsy warbsy. Big deal. You'll burn off a fun size Snickers in the time it takes to look for the remote control.

But it doesn't end there, does it? If one fun size Snickers isn't all that bad for me, two won't be that much worse, will they? What's the harm? I'll just have one more, and then I'll hide the bag from myself until Halloween. An hour later, the fun size bag of mini Snickers is empty and I'm left with the shameful realization that it's still 11 days until Halloween, and I just ate an entire bag of candy bars. Not only that, buying three king size bars would have been cheaper. Plus, now I don't have any candy for the trick-or-treaters, so between now and Halloween I'll need to buy more candy and somehow refrain from eating that bag.

So you see why I say this time of year tests my family's resolve. We love chocolate as much as anyone, so postponing our Halloween candy purchase until just a day or so before Oct. 31 is key. There's no way a bag of Snickers will last 11 days in our home, so we clench our jaws and carry on to the grocer's fruit section.

We suffered a minor setback when one of us caved and bought a bag of Starburst fruit chews, but apart from that we've stood strong. Besides, Starbursts don't count -- they're not chocolate. We like them I guess, but it's not the same. Starbursts are Starbursts, but chocolate is chocolate.

We Spateses are marking the days. Halloween will be here soon enough, and then we can feed the chocolate monkeys on our backs.

Mmmmm, chocolate monkeys.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.