David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Feb. 24, 2004

Gay-bashing? Nope. The war in Iraq? Nada. The ruckus started with a wristwatch.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.

I couldn't help but think of Pink Floyd's "Time" as I scrolled through response after response after response after response. Time was marching on, dutifully measured by my $25 Timex.

Suddenly, John Lennon hit me in the head with a brick.

Life is very short, and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.

Right on. Time has a way of prioritizing.

Let's rewind the clock, or in this case the watch. Back in September 2002, I wrote a column entitled "These watches are a little out of my depth," in which I poked fun at people who buy flashy luxury watches costing tens of thousands of dollars. The column is archived on the Chronicle's Web site, so you can look it up. If memory serves, I was inspired by a catalog that featured a $56,500 watch so gaudy it would make Puff Daddy blush. It's called an Oyster Perpetual Day-Date Masterpiece Chronometer and features "premium grade platinum ... enhanced with lustrous diamonds ... Forty brilliant cut diamonds encircle the perfectly round bezel. Black Mother-of-Pearl dial shines with 10 diamond hour markers."

A watch like that so incredibly over-the-top is fair game for lampoon and mockery, as I suspect most of you would agree. Most of you, yes -- but not all. It turns out that there's at least one Web site dedicated to the discussion and appreciation of fine wristwatches where aficionados debate and confer over their chosen passion.

You can poke fun at a man's alma mater, his haircut, his tie, even his Celine Dion CD collection, but apparently you can't poke fun at a man's watch and get away with it. They will retaliate, even if that retaliation comes 17 months later.

On Thursday I got an email from a member of the wristwatch message board informing me that I and my column (and my wife, for that matter) were getting blasted in cyberspace by these fellows. Despite my disdain for most Internet message boards, curiosity got the better of me.

In my time as a Chronicle columnist, I've written about gay-bashing, race relations, the war in Iraq, political correctness, personal responsibility, do-nothing politicians, even Jesus' taste in automobiles, but those columns can't hold a candle to the brouhaha that erupted over my wristwatch piece. Not only were the enthusiasts finding my jabs most decidedly unfunny, but some were even launching personal attacks. Taking my opinion to task is one thing, but some of the personal shots were below the belt. Here are some of the more choice comments:

"Can you imagine the guy living in his trailer with his $25 dollar watch, $100 TV, his 8 track tapedeck, and his $500 dollar car? (It would be stoopid to spend more on any of those items too)."

"Isn't Tennessee Trailer Trash Country?"

"We could contact him via his included email to educate him, but my guess is that this guy's too stupid."

The topper was, "I'll wager all the women in his life fit somewhere within this ($25) price range ..." In the real world, a comment like that would result in a bloody nose -- at least. In the anonymity of cyberspace, however, there are no noses to punch. Accountability and standing behind one's words are a choice, not a requirement, on the Web.

By no means were these comments the norm, but human nature being what it is, they jumped off the screen and rattled around in my brain the longest.

In fact, some of the enthusiasts actually got my drift, like the guy who chided his fellow enthusiasts by writing, "Where's your sense of humor? We watch freaks are the small minority that he's poking fun at and most here realize that the majority of people see the high-end watch thing from that same perspective."

Many of the responders simply suggested that I do a little research into fine watches before poking fun at them. They say it's the craftsmanship and artistry of fine wristwatches that attracts them. In fact, they conceded that my $25 machine-made, computer-designed Timex probably keeps more accurate time than their meticulously handcrafted models. These are a fair and balanced comments, even if that's really not the point of my satire and dry humor. A $56,500 watch? Come on! Something like that is just screaming to be made fun of, and I'm just the man to do it.

I may never be able to look at my $25 watch the same way again.

I let my past go too fast
No time to pause
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain, whose ship runs aground
I can wait until the tide comes around.

Hear, hear, Mr. Peart!

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.