David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Dec 2, 2003

I try to make lemons into lemonade and spam into, well, spamade

We love our spam. We need our spam. We can't get enough spam. How else can you explain the billions and billions of spam e-mail messages that go out every day? Spam works because we suckers buy things after reading them. If we didn't, the spammers wouldn't waste their time -- no buyers, no sellers.

Unsolicited e-mail sales pitches are the bane of the Internet. Most everyone says they hate it, and yet there it is, clogging up your in box. You don't read your spam, right? Well, neither do I. If you and I aren't paying any attention to it, then who is? Everyone else in the cyber-world, that's who, or so it would seem. The neighbor who buys a product from a spam message is the sole reason we still have spam today, and in the cyber-world, everyone is a neighbor. If our neighbor stopped buying spammers' junk, spam would cease to exist in less than a week. No buyers, no sellers -- it's that simple.

Until that joyous day of reckoning arrives, we'll just have to endure the vile meat that is spam. Turn lemons into lemonade, my Mom always said, and so I shall. Today, I'm turning spam into a center-cut filet -- today's column. In the fine traditions of MacGyver and The A-Team, I'm making something from nothing. Well, OK, perhaps it's not a center-cut filet, but maybe a T-bone. OK, fine, it's a burger. Would you believe a hot dog? Let's just say it's somewhere between a filet and hash.

"Letters, we get your letters, we get your letters every day." Let's open my virtual mailbag and see what's inside ...

· The Hilton family must be very, very proud. Paris Hilton is representing a worldwide hotel chain in fine form. Very fine form. A huge percentage of spam is pornographic, and it seems young Paris is a summa cum laude graduate of the Rob Lowe, Tommy Lee & Pamela Anderson School of Amateur Filmmaking. It's shocking, isn't it? I would think a child who's raised in a billionaire family would grow up to be rooted, mature and responsible. It shows that there's at least one thing money can't buy - class.

· I have a fairly nice e-mail program that filters the vast majority of my spam into a junk folder. The software identifies certain words in the e-mail and makes a determination as to whether it's junk. A few of those words are "value," "credit," "mortgage," "free" and "special." Any e-mail that has one of those words gets tossed in the hopper. "$80 value, yours free!" Spam. "Get your credit card today!" Spam. "Lowest mortgage rates on the 'Net!" "Special offer just for you!" Spam and spam. The world is laid out for the salespeople, I'm convinced, but let's just say I'm a tough nut. Who falls for this stuff? Probably the same people who buy a $19 "extended warranty" for a $60 VCR.

· Most e-mail users must not be in very good health. I get oodles of spam regarding weight loss, smoking cessation, chiropractic services, skin toning, you name it. A little less time in front of the computer and a little more time in front of a hiking trail would probably solve most folks' health issues.

· Speaking of health issues, I can't help but roll my eyes at the "male enhancement" products on the Web. There must be a lot of guys out there who feel they need, ahem, "enhancement." I can't count the number of Viagra e-mails I get. I don't know how I got on that list, but apparently it's a fairly simple matter to get Viagra delivered to your home without visiting a doctor. There's even an "all-natural solution to Viagra delivered in the form of a patch." I don't know where the patch is stuck, and I'm afraid to find out.

· Did you know you can earn a criminal justice degree online? It's true. You can also earn a number of degrees, including accounting, bookkeeping, refrigerator repair and computer design. Why bother interacting with real, live humans when you can point and click your way to higher education? No word yet if Sally Struthers will be teaching your e-class. You can even be an ordained minister. In fact, I'm an ordained member of the Spiritual Humanist clergy. I did it just now, after I typed the sentence that ended in "... will be teaching your e-class." It took me about 23 seconds. I know, I know, I shouldn't patronize sites like that, but certainly exceptions can be made for a man of the cloth. Besides, it wasn't via a spam e-mail. I Googled it. That being said, I'm now available for weddings and baby-naming ceremonies. Just give me a call.

· My all-time favorite spam is from Oleg Kirichenko. Oleg claims to be a 30-year-old Web designer who lives in Kiev, Ukraine. Oleg wants to collect his paychecks from U.S. companies, but he needs my help to do it.

"They're to pay me but they don't send money directly to Ukraine, because this company pays by direct deposits available in USA and Canada only," Oleg writes. "You can ask me: Why don't they pay me by checks? Yes, they can, but here, in Ukraine, it is very difficult to collect on the checks (enormous commission fees and it takes 2-3 months)."

Let's cut to the chase -- Oleg would like me to open a zero-balance checking account at my local bank. I'll provide him the bank name, address, account owner, account number and bank routing number. Once he has the information, Oleg will inform his employer who will then initiate a money transfer. "When the bank transfer is completed," Oleg continues, "I will need your assistance once again to transfer the money via Western Union."

"I suppose you should get an interest for your cooperation," he concludes. "I will have $2000 a week. Any suggestions?"

Yes, Oleg, I have a suggestion. Try that new Viagra patch. I have a suggestion where you can stick it.

And bless you, my son.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.