David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 6, 2003

Care for some spam with your spam?

More and more these days, my list of incoming e-mail brings to mind that infamous Monty Python sketch.

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK?

No, no. Not that one, and not the dead parrot sketch, either. It goes a little something like this ...

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam bacon, sausage and spam; spam egg, spam, spam bacon and spam; spam sausage, spam, spam bacon, spam tomato and spam;

Waitress: ... spam spam, spam egg and spam; spam spam, spam spam, spam, spam baked beans, spam spam, spam ...

Waitress: ... or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg, sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

I'm not the only one whose e-mail application is littered with spam, spam, spam, Lobster Thermidor and spam. My parents get it. My wife gets it. My neighbors get it. You get it, too. I'll bet even the president gets spam. He probably has a Secret Service guy to sort through his e-mail, but I'll wager a few pieces of spam slip into the Oval Office. Mmmmm, executive-branch spam.

We all agree it's a problem, but is it a trouble upon which our government should spend our tax dollars? It's my money, after all. It's my parents' money. It's my wife's money. It's my neighbors' money. It's your money, and, yes, it's George Bush's money. Is this how we want to spend our money, targeting spam?

For some, it seems, the answer is an unequivocal yes. Spam must be stopped, and we're just the government to do it.

The trouble is that no one can clearly define spam. The Federal Trade Commission conducted a two-day "spam summit" last week in Washington, DC. Lawmakers and Internet experts from around the country met with designs on curbing junk e-mail they say could overwhelm the 'Net's most ubiquitous function. They all wanted to take a bite out of spam, but they couldn't even agree on what spam is.

Well, duh. I could have told you that would happen, and I wouldn't have had to call a federal summit to confirm it. Spam is impossible to define. Actually, I suppose it's not impossible, per se. I would define spam as an unwanted, unsolicited sales pitch received via e-mail. Seems clear, doesn't it? Nope, it's not. How do you define "unwanted?" Maybe you're not interested in the Pasta Pro ("the spill-proof way to cook, drain and serve perfect pasta is just one saucepan!"), but I am. I can handle quite a few concurrent chores, but my pasta problems are tearing our family apart. For you, the Pasta Pro ad is spam. For me, it's a godsend that may very well save my marriage.

If you can't agree on what spam is, how are you going to legislate against it? Even if you were able to get the entire country on board with one unifying definition of spam and proceeded to pass laws against it, all the spammers would have to do is move their servers to Canada, the Bahamas or wherever. U.S. law would have a hard time going after a Brazilian spammer.

Who's to blame for the proliferation of spam? Anyone who follows a spam link and purchases a product, that's who. It's simple. Spammers e-mail their sales pitches because they know a small percentage of the recipients will buy. Even if only one-tenth of 1 percent of spam recipients buy a spammer's product, a mass e-mailing to, say, 35 million people results 35,000 sales. Not too shabby.

The best and easiest way to stop spam TOMORROW is to never click on a spam message's link. Every time you click on a spam link, even if it's just out of idle curiosity, you encourage more spam. If we stop buying, they'll stop e-mailing. It doesn't require costly legislation or a federal summit to get it done.

It just so happens that I recently received one of the most vile, disgusting, contemptible spams ever, and it wasn't porn. There's a company selling medallions made from "actual steel from the World Trade Center to honor those whose lives were lost on Sept. 11, 2001." I'm all for a free-market society, but this is repugnant. Cashing in on a national tragedy is unimaginable, and anyone who buys garbage like that - or even clicks on the link - should be ashamed of themselves.

That's worse than spam. That's potted meat. No amount of mornay sauce is going to make that palatable.

· · ·
David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.