David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 22, 2003

"Man dies while reading own obituary" -- what a story that would be

Did you hear about poor Bob Hope? His obituary was on CNN.com last week. Tragic. I'll miss Bob.

Bob wasn't the only person whose obit was on CNN.com - Ronald Reagan, Fidel Castro, Pope John Paul II, Nelson Mandela, Gerald Ford and Dick Cheney all had their lives summed up in just a few words. Tragic indeed. These are some of the men who shaped world history, and they all died last week? Who was in charge of security THAT day?

Well, rest easy my fellow Americans. Don't send the lilies just yet. They're all quite alive. The problem was that the good folks at CNN.com accidentally posted obituary mock-ups on the Web site. The idea is that when one of those guys dies, CNN.com will have an up-to-date obituary already in the hopper.

It's one of those little tricks that we newshounds have up our sleeves to perpetuate the impression that we're on the ball. When Bob passes away, BAM! CNN.com will be ready with an obituary raring to go. Johnny-on-the-spot news coverage at your service.

When I first heard about this, I thought it rather ghoulish and creepy. I mean who's out there writing obituaries for people who haven't died? I wonder how that makes Bob Hope feel, knowing that his obituary sits at the ready, just waiting for him to tell his last joke. You know the old expression when you get a chill: It's supposed to mean that someone walked over your grave. I wonder what happens when someone updates your obituary.

Maybe Bob's ear itches.

Also, what's the criteria for determining who is worthy of a premortem obituary? I suppose you'd need to be old. Well, you'd need to be famous, too. My mailman is old, but I doubt anyone has his obituary at the ready.

That's the cold reality of this world. Some of us are important enough to warrant a prewritten obituary, but most of us aren't. If my mailman had an airport named after him, I'm sure his obituary would be already written and stored on someone's hard drive.

Of course CNN.com fixed the problem quickly, and the obituaries are no longer accessible. That's a good thing. Some of those guys are in pretty poor health. If they clicked over to their own obituary, it might shock them to the other side. Boy, what a story that would be. "Man dies while reading his own obituary."

I'll be dead some day. It may be tomorrow, and it may be 90 years from now, but it will happen. Ben Franklin said, "In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes." Since tax day has come and gone, and since I suspect Ben isn't too worried about his 1040 form these days, I thought I'd take this opportunity to work on my own obituary. I don't want to kick the bucket anytime soon, so I'll just add what I hope will come to pass ...

David Allen Spates passed away on June 18, 2090, one day short of his 120th birthday. He died a few moments after crossing the finish line of the Tennessee Triathlon, a race in which he claimed first place in his age division for the last 60 years.

One of the oldest people in North America, Spates enjoyed watching the "Today" show and snickering at the 100-year birthdays. He also enjoyed world travel, reading and co-ed badminton. An avid writer, he penned the Pulitzer Prize-winning column "... Therefore I Am" for more than 90 years.

Spates leaves behind two children, Anna, 89, and Phillip, 87, and a wife, Shelia, 120. Anna Spates is credited with discovering a treatment to cure leukemia, and she still holds the women's Olympic 100-meter dash record of 9.04 seconds, a record that has stood for more than 65 years. Phillip Spates was a college quarterback who led the Virginia Tech Hokies to their NCAA-record four straight national championships. After college, he passed on a promising NFL career and instead joined NASA. In 2037, he became the first human to step foot on Mars. Spates' wife, Shelia, revolutionized the pharmaceutical industry by helping to develop legislation that created a national research-development clearinghouse that slashed skyrocketing prescription costs.

Spates will be remembered for his philanthropy, his dedication to his family and for his wicked badminton serve. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Spates Memorial Foundation for the Ridicule of People Who Take Themselves Too Seriously. Donations are tax-deductible.

There it is, my obituary. Perhaps I should send it to CNN.com. I suppose I should attach a note that reads, "Do not post until Dave's in the ground."

No sense waiting until the last minute, right?

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.