David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 8, 2003

Are the folks at Webster's making up words?

Just when you thought you had a pretty good grip on the English language, those busybodies at Webster's spring some new words on us. It's not just a handful of new words we need to brush up on, either. I have a hard enough time remembering the difference between "further" and "farther," and now I have an additional 10,000 words to keep track of. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Some of the new words are pretty dull - stuff only a pharmaceutical scientist would enjoy. They're things like new drug names, chemical compounds, biological extracts, whatever. I don't worry too much about those, even though I'm married to a pharmacist. If a word has more than, say, 25 letters in it, you can rest assured that it's not going to pop into everyday conversation. When the wife is around other pharmacists and they start whipping out 25-letter words, I just feign interest by nodding my head.

Some of the new words seem too contrived, like the Webster folks are creating words just for fun. Have you heard anyone use the word "McJob" in a sentence? Neither have I. It's now an official word, and it means low-paying, dead-end work. I'm sure the crew at McDonald's is thrilled about that one.

"Funplex" is in, too. Are 3-year-olds making words now? A "funplex" is an entertainment complex that houses movie theaters, game rooms, restaurants, etc. Do we really need a word to describe this, and isn't it rather subjective? If I were to design a "funplex," I suspect it would be quite different than movies, video games and heat-lamp burgers. I might even use some new words at my "funplex" -- "longneck" and "brewski."

Instead of greasy fries, I might serve "Frankenfood" at my "funplex." That's genetically altered food, although the "Franken" part isn't really accurate. Frankenstein's monster wasn't genetically altered; he was a collection of old parts and remnants. He was like a hot dog. Godzilla was genetically altered, if memory serves. He'd be a more precise monster. We could call it "Godzillagrub." I know it doesn't roll off the tongue like "Frankenfood," but it's more correct, and that's what dictionaries are all about.

Some of the new entries are words I thought surely were added decades ago. For instance, I'd have guessed "comb-over" would have been declared an official word before now. I don't even have to give you the definition for that one. You know exactly what it is, and you know one when you see one. "Comb-overs" don't fool anyone. To you fellows out there sporting what you think is an inventive and totally believable "comb-over" I offer this advice: Please stop. Just shave it. Go for the Patrick Stewart look instead.

I'm delighted that "oy" is in. Despite the fact that it makes me sound like a 73-year-old Jewish man, I find myself using "oy" all the time. It's a great exclamation for instances in which all other words fail. "Oy" is far more satisfying than "gee" or "golly" or "gosh," all of which sound so, well, white bread, which, incidentally, is a real word, too. "Oy" has character. "Oy" has charm. I find myself contemplating a jump to Judaism for the sole purpose of using "oy" with more authority.

I worked in a newsroom for years, and I learned that people aren't shy about phoning in a complaint about something the paper published. Sports stories, news stories, obituaries, birth announcements -- I've fielded complaints about it all. That being said, I was amazed to read that the dictionary gets complaints, too. Can you imagine getting so "cheesed off" about something you read in the dictionary that you actually take time from your day to track down the publisher and call to complain about it? I wonder if these people complain to The Weather Channel about the rain. By the way, "cheesed off" is made the cut, too.

About the only folks who have a legitimate beef with the dictionary people are the descendants of presidents who appear on currency. The term "dead presidents" is in the new dictionary, and it's slang for cash. How would you like it if your dearly departed great-great-great-great-uncle Abe was so casually dismissed? You might be a little, shall we say, "irascible."

No, "irascible" isn't a new word, but it's a little classier than "cheesed off." It means "characterized by or resulting from anger."

There, I just saved you a trip to the dictionary.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.