David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published March 2, 2004

Mel's Passion, Spanish ridges, 550,00 pingpong balls -- a la James Brown

To quote The Godfather of Soul, "Can I hit it and quit it?" James delivers the line with more punch than I ever could with a keyboard, but you get the idea. Let's get to it.

* * *
Hit it.

Is anyone worried that Mel's Passion might incite anti-Italian feelings? We've heard lots of talk that the movie could fuel anti-Semitism, but no one seems too worried about the Italians. I'm no Bible scholar, but I do know the Roman Empire played a significant role in the Crucifixion.

Quit it.

* * *
Hit it again.

The world of marketing continues to baffle me. In the age of increasing multiculturalism in this country, we've become accustomed to seeing two languages (sometimes more) on the products we buy. For instance, a package of paper towels I recently bought includes the phrase "fast absorbing ridges" and directly below it, in Español, is "ondulaciones que absorben rapidamente." Essentially, it's a way for the manufacturer to serve two segments of society with the same packaging. Rather than printing paper towel wrapping in English and Spanish, the folks at Scott towels just put two languages on their product.

OK, but at the same store in the same city on the same day, I bought dental floss that has French on it. No Spanish anywhere, nor is there a hint of French on the Scott towels. So I ask you -- what's a Frenchman to do when he needs "fast absorbing ridges?" Furthermore, what's a Spaniard to do when he's got a piece of popcorn wedged between two molars and needs "gentle gum care?"

These are the kinds of questions that make my wife's eyes roll in the grocery aisle. They also make her worry about her children's upbringing.

Quit it.

* * *
Hit it again.

Science is doing amazing things with pingpong balls these days. I read a news story about how scientists are using pingpong balls to study the complex physics involved in powder snow avalanches. An unstable snowy mountainside is no place for a university researcher sporting a lab coat, so scientists are using pingpong balls to imitate what happens during an avalanche.

So how many pingpong balls does it take to simulate an avalanche? (It sounds like the setup to a bad joke, doesn't it? I'll bite. How many pingpong balls DOES it take to simulate an avalanche?) Right around 550,000. Carry more than half a million pingpong balls to the top of a hill, let them go, and you've got a fairly realistic avalanche. Cool, huh?

It's a serious area of study, though. Avalanches kill people and destroy buildings every year, and apparently powder snow avalanches are the most devastating and toughest to predict.
Still, my imagination loves the thought of a scientist ordering 550,000 pingpong balls. It makes me think of the scene in Animal House in which Flounder asks the drugstore clerk, "May I have 10,000 marbles, please?"

Quit it.

* * *
Hit it one last time.

How much smaller can my cellphone possibly get? In my economics class, I read about the law of diminishing returns. My cellphone's size is dangerously close to busting that law wide open. My phone is as small as it needs to be -- probably too small for a lug like me. There is no benefit in further shrinkage.

It's so small that it's uncomfortable. Holding this little dinky thing against the side of my head gets tiresome pretty quickly, and unlike a traditional landline phone, it's so small that you can't wedge it between your head and your shoulder, giving you two free hands. I can use the hands-free earpiece and mic, but that's a pain. Who wants a cord dangling down the front of his shirt?

I know some folks relish having the smallest phone possible, but not me. I didn't pursue my small phone; it's just where the industry led me. My first cellphone was a tad smaller than a brick, but at least you could kill a cockroach with it. As my phones have died, been "upgraded" by mandatory network requirements or just plain lost, the replacement models are have gotten smaller and smaller. I can't imagine how teensy the next one will be when I lose, drop or barbecue my current model. I'll probably need tweezers.

Quit it. Jump back, kiss myself.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.