David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 1, 2003

Top 10 Signs That Dave Is Getting Older

Drum roll, Anton.

From the home office in Sioux City, IA, these are the Top 10 Signs That Dave Is Getting Older.

Before I continue, I'd like to make points of clarification. First, I'm not certain Letterman's Top 10 "home office" is still Sioux City. I haven't seen the show in ages, but there was a time in my life when I didn't miss it. To my recollection, during that time, the "home office" was indeed Sioux City. Second, the Dave in question is me, not Letterman. Third, doesn't "getting older" sound better than "getting old?" It sounds a little less traumatic, and it might even last a little longer. Let's not kid ourselves, though. I'm getting old. So are you. We all are, except Dick Clark. If you're not getting old, well, then you have bigger problems to address.

On with the list!

No. 10 -- I sometimes forget what I've washed and haven't washed in the shower. That's bad. A shower lasts maybe seven minutes, and I can't recall whether I lathered my hair and rinsed it? I get the feeling my showers will drag longer and longer the older I get.

No. 9 -- I eat dinner a lot earlier than I used to. Maybe it's because of the kids, but once upon I time I'd eat dinner at 9 or 10 at night and not think twice about it. It's probably the kids. I'm not going to wake them just to eat dinner on my goofy schedule.

No. 8 -- I have a few gray hairs. I'm torn about these, really. I'm happy they've decided to stick around, but I wish they'd just adhere to the agreed-upon color.

No. 7 -- Pro athletes my age are generally considered to be "past their prime." If I were an athlete, I'd hate to pick up the newspaper one day to read some sportswriter describe me as past my prime. That would be rough. No one wants to be told his best days are behind him, least of all by a cliché-dependent sportswriter with gravy stains on his tie.

No. 6 -- I find most of today's popular music to be silly and without substance. This is probably common in every generation. Most of us think the music we grew up with was the best. It makes me wonder what today's kids are going to roll their eyes about in 10 or 15 years. Will they long for the days of cerebral offerings by Britney Spears and 50 Cent? It's not all drivel these days, though. Even old fogies like me can appreciate Norah Jones, Dave Matthews and Coldplay. Not all new music is bad.

No. 5 -- Two words: Ear hair.

No. 4 -- I can't order a dessert without hearing the words "Mr. Spates, we have your test results here" ringing through my head. When I was a kid, the only difference between good cholesterol and bad cholesterol was the taste. If it tasted good, that was good cholesterol. In those days, cheesecake often replaced vegetables as a suitable side dish.

No. 3 -- I want to sit down. Again, this may be a symptom of parenthood, but more and more I find myself yearning to just sit down for 20 minutes. I once aspired for great travels -- trips to the Rockies, major urban spreads, pristine beaches, untamed outbacks. Today I'd be happy to sit down in my new recliner and read half a newspaper or watch a "M*A*S*H" rerun.

No. 2 -- I'm heavily insured. When I die, someone's getting paid -- well. Young people typically don't carry a lot of insurance, if any. After all, you're immortal when you're young, and no one depends on you for much anyway. But there's a long line of folks who'll cash out when I take my last breath. I'll bet even the cat gets a cut. If she could somehow snuff out the entire Spates family, she'd be in high tuna.

And the No. 1 sign that Dave is getting older -- Today's supermodels are younger than most of my socks.

Thanks, Anton.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.