David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published May 18, 2004

Crack -- oops, I mean gas -- sure is expensive

There's a twisted, demented part of my psyche that actually enjoys buying gasoline lately. It may be located in my brain's bargain-hunting lobe - the cerebral markinitdownus, if I remember my prerequisite biology. Yes, there's some measure of satisfaction and joy in paying $1.85 for a gallon of gasoline. It comes from the knowledge that, compared to my next gasoline purchase, $1.85 will seem like an absolute steal.

The way gas prices are increasing on a near-daily basis, I wouldn't be surprised if gas stations removed their "regular unleaded ... medium grade ... premium" price signs out front and replaced them with scrolling stock-market price tickers. That way, they could show moment-by-moment price fluctuations in the gasoline market.

When you're ready to buy some gas, you simply drive up to your local Qwik-E-Mart, speed-dial your financial consultant to ensure that all of the financing paperwork is in place, check the up-to-the-second gas prices as they zoom across the LED, and then boldly call in an order to your broker. As you fill up your tank, you hang your head and sob in the realization that your retirement will be postponed another 20 months because you needed to run some errands one day.

Such is life in the "modern" world of fossil fuel.

It's times like these that I'm glad I don't drive an SUV anymore. It hurts bad enough just filling up my dorkier-than-thou minivan, and it gets pretty decent mileage, but the tank holds a rather sizable 20 gallons so a fill-up these days can hit almost 40 bucks.

I can't imagine how much those guys who drive Hummers must spend on gasoline every month. From what I understand, those beasts get single-digit miles to the gallon, although I couldn't confirm a number from Hummer.com. Not surprisingly, miles per gallon isn't exactly a banner selling point. I did learn that the Hummer H1 has a 25-gallon primary gas tank and a 17-gallon backup tank, for a grand total of, say it with me, 42 gallons. At yesteryear's low, low price of $1.85 a gallon, that works out to more than $77 a fill-up.

With the mpg number in mind, I'll bet the Hummer doesn't travel any farther on $77 in gas than my "living room on wheels" does with $40 in gas.

On the other side of the coin are cars like the ol' reliable Honda Civic. It gets about 40 mpg on the highway. Sweet. I'm still a tad too young to run for president, but I'm old enough to remember the days when car companies once competed for who could build the most gas-efficient car. They even used to brag about it on their commercials - 40 mpg was the low end in those days. I recall 45, 50 even 60 mpg. They were shoeboxes all right, but you sure didn't spend a lot of time at the gas station.

Can you imagine traveling 60 miles on a single gallon of gas? It sounds like science fiction today. If you want to get anywhere near that number, you can buy a Honda Civic Hybrid that uses a gas-electric combination engine that pumps out an impressive mpg rating of nearly 50, and that's in both city and highway driving. Yes, compared to a big SUV or even my four-wheel den, the Hybrid is quite dinky, but just consider it -- 50. You could drive from Bristol to Memphis, the entire length of Tennessee, and stop only for burgers and/or potty breaks.

If gas prices stay consistently high for years and years, I'll bet we Americans will get the SUV and minivan monkey off our backs and return to high-mileage shoeboxes. Fill-ups of $40, $50 and $60 will get old in a big hurry. Or maybe someone will come up with a car that runs on something completely different, like hydrogen or seawater or bananas. Something ought to change. This country is like a crack addict when it comes to gasoline -- we put up with a lot of nonsense to get it, and we pay through the nose for our fix.

Ralph Waldo said that if you a build a better mousetrap, the world (presumably with the exception of the mice) will beat a path to your door. The same is true of cars. If you build a better car that runs on seawater, the world (presumably with the exception of the oil industry) will beat a path to your door, and I'd be the first in line. Sure, the world's oil tycoons aren't going to like it and would probably do everything in their power to sabotage the effort, but they've had their way for too long. It's time they get in line behind the mice.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.