David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published July 29, 2003

Sometimes you need a doughnut

Growing up in Knoxville in the 1970s, some of my favorite childhood memories are of me and my sister watching the Krispy Kreme doughnuts roll off the production line. As saliva dripped from my chin, I was muttering, "Mmmmmm, doughnuts" long before Homer Simpson was a glint in Matt Groenig's eye.

The Krispy Kreme shop at the corner of Northshore Drive and Kingston Pike has a window through which kids can catch a glimpse of the doughnuts du jour being made. The doughnut shop/factory is still there today, as is the window, and I smile every time I drive by and see little kids standing on their tiptoes to get a better look at the freshly made crullers. Nothing impresses a child like seeing an entire facility dedicated to the manufacture of doughnuts.

Being a young lad so easily stirred by dough rings sizzling in deep fat, I naturally assumed that the Knoxville facility provided all of the Krispy Kremes for everyone -- everywhere. I just figured the Krispy Kremes I saw for sale at a beach-town grocery store must have come from that same production line, and that even though our family was hundreds of miles away from Knoxville, we could still enjoy glazed doughnuts from our hometown! Heck, maybe the doughnuts I saw at the beach were the exact doughnuts I saw being made back home a few days earlier. How cool!

I know, I know. It's silly. Give me a break. I was 8. What did I know about a national corporation's production and distribution? Probably not a whole lot less than I do as a 33-year-old.

That being said, can you guess what our nation's fastest-growing dining category is? Yes, indeed. Mmmmmm, doughnuts. Seafood? Nope. Steaks? Nada. Tofu and bean sprouts? Yeah, right. Mmmmmm, doughnuts. The fastest-growing doughnut companies are Dunkin' Donuts, Tim Hortons and, of course, Krispy Kreme. I've never had a Tim Horton, and Dunkin' Donuts are, well, OK, I suppose. But we're the Spateses, and we're a Krispy Kreme family!

As you might expect, the announcement that doughnut shops are the fastest-growing dining category has some people irked. "There's no redeeming quality in a doughnut," complains Hope Warshaw, author of A Guide to Healthy Restaurant Eating. "It's high in sugar, fat and calories."

Hope, you're dead wrong. Doughnuts serve a special purpose indeed. They satisfy a very specific craving. If you're aching for a doughnut, there's nothing else that will quell your desire. They're a treat.

Sure, if you eat too many of them, you'll get fat and develop health problems. That's not the doughnut's fault; it's the eater's fault. Besides, Hope, a doughnut has other redeeming qualities: It's high in sugar, fat and calories. Put down the granola and live a little. You deserve it. You need it.

It's not just the get-paid-for-nagging dietitians who are positioning themselves to cash in on the success of doughnuts. You can bet your last chocolate-iced, custard-filled doughnut that there's a lawyer somewhere scrambling to find an overweight doughnut connoisseur with whom he can file a multimillion lawsuit against Dunkin' or Krispy because their products made his client fat and unhealthy. You know how the case's opening remarks would go.

"Your honor, had my client known that eating 25 maple-glazed doughnuts a day posed a significant health risk, he would have stopped years ago. However, since the defendants did not affix warning labels to each and every box notifying consumers of doughnuts' high calorie count, I can only presume that they were attempting to defraud and victimize the American public. Therefore, the plaintiff would ask for $35 million in compensation and punitive damages."

Sorry, counselor, but I say personal responsibility extends to and beyond the doughnut shop.
Besides, how can you vilify such a sweet and tasty icon of American popular culture? Not every pastry's in the Smithsonian's Museum of American History. Yes, the Ring King Junior doughnut-making machine is exhibited alongside Minnie Pearl's dress and Alan Alda's bathrobe from M*A*S*H.

Mmmmmm, doughnuts.

Mmmmmm, eating doughnuts in my bathrobe.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.