David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published June 1, 2004

It's amazing how many things there are that I could care less about

How is it that an issue or celebrity inspires such passion in some people and such apathy in others?

Maybe I should restate that with specific examples. Why does anyone care what happens on "American Idol?" Who is Jessica Simpson and why is her picture everywhere? Am I the only one whose skin crawls when the phrase "J. Lo. and Ben Affleck" comes up in conversation? Why is anyone still taking Paris Hilton's photo? If Donald Trump is so rich, why can't he afford a decent haircut? Do you know anyone over the age of 12 who owns a Britney Spears CD?

Of course I realize that people's interests and tastes are different, but I keep wondering if I'm missing the boat on some of this stuff. Millions and millions of my fellow Americans are genuinely interested in what Jessica, Paris, Jennifer, Ben, Britney and The Donald are doing on a daily basis. I, however, don't care about those people's lives anymore than I do about Debbie Calhoun, who, incidentally, lives at 6056 S. 41st St. in beautiful Omaha, NE. I'm sure she's quite charming.

Side note: The Internet can be a little creepy, you know? I pulled Debbie's name more or less at random from whitepages.com. Now you know her name and where she lives. You can even get her telephone number. Sure, this information has always been available in traditional printed phonebooks, but unless I had a copy of the Omaha phonebook lying around I would never in a hundred years have come up with Debbie's address. Information is just so easy to get these days -- perhaps a little too easy. You can look up my name, I can look up your name. It's all at your fingertips. The information itself isn't new or valuable, but the ease of access sure is.

Like I said, millions of seemingly normal people are interested in Paris, Donald, Jessica, et al. Can millions of people be wrong? Well, yeah, they can. With two little kids running around our house, I don't watch nearly as much TV as I used to, but it seems that "American Idol" is always on. Does it have its own the network or what? If I wanted to hear subpar singing, I'd record myself in the shower.

And speaking of subpar singing, I just <I>now<I> found out that Jessica Simpson is a singer, quote-unquote. I've been seeing her photo in newspaper stories, on magazine covers and on dopey pizza commercials, but I literally had no idea what her job is. It turns out she's a singer. I used the iTunes store (all hail the Internet!) to hear four 30-second song clips. It's the same schmaltzy, overproduced, warmed-over pop sound the music industry has been repackaging for years.

Which brings me to Britney. I guess as long as there are 10-year-olds in the world, we'll always have a Britney. The girl is interchangeable. The Britneys are plentiful. Just find a cute girl who spends a lot of time in the gym, toss her onto to the stage, press play on the prerecorded vocals, and have her rip off her shirt to reveal the smaller shirt underneath. I dare say there is no one in this world who is more aware of her body-mass index that Britney Spears. The day she can't squeeze into a pair of pants three sizes too small is the day her career is over - no looks, no job.

And speaking of no looks, no job, would someone please tell Paris Hilton to come up with a new pose? She has given the same look in every photo I've ever seen. It's like she went to the Derek Zoolander School of Modeling. Her head is lowered and her eyes are always half closed, probably from the tremendous weight of all that mascara.

And last but not least is The Donald. He hasn't gotten this much media attention since the end of the "greed is good" '80s. He's a savvy businessman, a real estate mogul and all of that, but why are people so interested in him? He's a self-aggrandizing blowhard. A lot of people think he's the richest man in America. He's not even close. Gates and Buffett could hire Trump to be their pool boy.

Is there no one in his inner circle with the guts to clue him in on his hair? I'll probably be bald some day too, so I'm careful not throw too many stones, but come on! Someone must say something! The last time I saw a comb-over that bad was at a Corvette dealership during its twice-a-month Mid-Life Crisis Sale.

I just don't see the fascination. Millions of people must be wrong. It's all I can figure.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.