David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 8, 2003

Thank goodness they're on Capitol Hill where they can't hurt anyone

You can always count on our General Assembly for good column fodder. If the idea cupboard is a little bare, I look to state politicians -- they rarely disappoint.

Case in point: It seems a lawmaker from Soddy-Daisy, Rep. Jim Vincent, sponsored an amendment to the lottery legislation that would divide unclaimed lottery prize money among the 132 assembly members who would then distribute the money as educational grants in his or her legislative district.

Sniff, sniff. Do you smell that? I just caught a whiff of bacon. This smells like pork-barrel spending to me.

It turns out that in state lotteries the size of the one that's coming to Tennessee, there would be $7 million to $15 million in lottery prizes that go unclaimed every year. Vincent says the average estimate is $9 million, which would translate into nearly $70,000 for each legislator's district.

I have a counter-proposal along the same lines. Instead of spending the unclaimed prize money on educational endeavors, just directly deposit it into the legislators' re-election campaign bank accounts. That's really what we're talking about, isn't it? When an election rolls around, you can bet the incumbents will make sure we voters remember that they "personally" brought home hundreds of thousands of dollars in unclaimed lottery prize money. And not only did they bring it home to their district, they solely allocated who got how much.

No single legislator should have that much power to dictate funding of that amount. Forget it.

Thankfully, I'm not the only skeptic. House Democratic Caucus Chairman Randy Rinks referred to the amendment this way: "If it walks like a pig, and it oinks like a pig, it's probably pork."

Oink on!

Incidentally, I have no idea how $9 million or so a year in lottery prize money would go unclaimed. That's baffling. Do people forget that they won money? Perhaps some of those dinky $1 and $2 winning tickets go unclaimed. I suppose I can see that, but anything more than that and I'd be running, not walking, to the nearest lottery cash-in location. But $9 million? That's a lot of forgetfulness.

In other legislative news, the Tennessee House of Representatives voted 96-1 to name the tomato the state fruit. With the state budget in a dank hole, TennCare completely out of control and our educational system near the bottom of the list, it's good to know that our elected officials are diligently at work hammering out the legislation that truly affects our daily lives.

In case you were wondering, Rep. Kathryn Bowers, a democrat from Memphis, cast the lone dissenting vote. Perhaps she couldn't get past that troubling fruit-or-vegetable quandary.
The bill still must pass the Senate and go before the governor, who, rumor has it, despises marinara sauce on his calzone. A raptured state waits breathlessly as this drama unfolds.

Speaking of issues best left alone, Rep. Paul Stanley, R-Memphis, wants to mandate that the Tennessee Board of Education set maximum weight standards for all textbooks. No word yet on Rep. Gene Simmons' reaction.

Apparently the youths of Tennessee are saddled with textbooks that are simply too heavy to lug to and from school. Poor babies. All that book learnin' is overrated anyway, right?

Let's get a clear picture here. Studies indicate that America's children are woefully out of shape, so much so that evidently they can't carry their books without pulling a muscle. Also, Tennessee students' test results rank near the bottom in the country. What's the solution to fix these seemingly unrelated crises? More exercise? Better nutrition? Sharper intellects? Good heavens, no! What we need are lighter textbooks! Besides, why read Shakespeare's blathering account of King Henry when CliffsNotes are available? Maybe the kids could study physics with coloring books.

Finally, connoisseurs of pornography might want to keep their tapes and DVDs out of their in-car video systems. The Tennessee Senate is looking into banning people from watching lurid movies in their vehicles if they are visible to passing motorists.

How much of a problem is this? How many people are watching porn in their cars? I'd like to recommend that in addition to pornographic movies, the state also ban in-car showings of Jackie Chan, Johnny Knoxville and Vin Diesel movies. We do have our standards.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.