David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published April 13, 2004

I can't even call my buddies "buddy"

I'm just not one of those guys. I'd like to be, but I'm not.

"Hey, buddy, can you help me load this refrigerator into the truck?"

I can't call other men "buddy" or "pal" or "dude" or even "man." Some guys can do it. They do it quite well. When they say, "Hey, buddy," it gets other guys' attention and at the same time conveys some measure of friendliness. It just rolls off their tongues. "Pal" or "buddy" sounds natural coming from some guys.

Not me. When I say "dude" or "man" or "buddy" or whatever, it sounds forced. There's no natural flow. I come off like a freshman trying to endear himself to the seniors. It's obvious I don't say those words very often to address another man. Guys who don't say it well shouldn't say it at all.

But what's the alternative? For goofs like me, there's no friendly, informal way to address another man whose name either you don't know or can't remember. If you say "sir" in the wrong social situation, you'll come across looking like an uptight stuffed-shirt. You might say "sir" to the president of the United States, but in a situation in which the other man is undoubtedly your social equal, there's no other way to address him directly without using his name.

My point, in case you were wondering, is that too frequent a use of "sir" (or "ma'am") dilutes the intended result.

Sometimes "sir" can backfire, too. Instead of relating cordial respect, "sir" can be misunderstood to indicate anger or unhappiness. "You just stepped on my dog and spilled boiling coffee all over my daughter! Sir, I think you need to apologize!"

Besides, I'm never sure when to use "sir." Who is worthy of a "sir" or a "ma'am?" I think "sir" and "ma'am" get thrown around a little too much in our culture. They're meant to indicate politeness and respect, but why does the cashier at the convenience store call me "sir?" All I ask is that the cashier be somewhat civil as he rings up my Milky Way bar.

A simple "thank you" would suffice. Why do we want him to bring "sir" into the relationship?

With the "sir" he tosses my way, he's presenting a level of respect I'm not sure I deserve. After all, I just came in for a Milky Way - hardly a honorable endeavor. Also, now that he's called me "sir," shouldn't I return the courtesy and call him "sir," too? I'm not any more respectable than he. Why shouldn't he get a "sir" in this little transaction? He's the one providing me a service, you know. I patronize his store, and he provides me a service. Either we should both be "sirs" or neither of us should be a "sir."

"Here's your change and your Milky Way, sir. Thank you," the cashier would say.

"Thank you, sir," I'd respond. "You processed that transaction most efficiently. I applaud your efforts. Three cheers for the shopkeeper! Hip hip hooray!" Well, as long as the cashier and I are knighting one another, why not go all out and really make the guy's day?

Speaking of knighthoods, I wonder what men are called in England. Are they "sirs," too? If so, that would seem to detract from the royal titles bestowed upon Elton John, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Bill Gates and every other bloke who's been knighted. Maybe the convenience store cashiers there call Mick "sir sir."

So what's a lunkhead like me to do? It could be worse, I suppose. I could be Australian and be stuck with "mate." If I can't comfortably call another guy "buddy" or "man," I'm sure not going to get "mate" to work.

Women have it easier. If they're willing to be syrupy enough, they can address complete strangers, both women and men, as "sweetie" or even "honey." If they're diabetic, they can stick with the old reliable "dear," which also works with either sex.

Men can't use "honey," "sweetie" or "dear" unless they're talking to their spouses, and even then they're a little suspect. When men use words like those, they're generally either in trouble or they know they're about to be in trouble - like when they go to the boat show with their buddies to "look around" and come home three hours later towing a $25,000 Sea Ray.

"Honey, I got a really good deal. Come on, sweetie, don't look at me like that. I'll even name it after you, dear."

To summarize, women can call women "dear." Women can call men "dear." Men call women "dear" when they just bought a bass boat. And that leaves ...

"Hey, sweetie, can you help me load this refrigerator into the truck?"

If I were to say that, one of three things would happen. Either I'd get a punch in the nose, a wink and a telephone number I don't want, or a hernia from loading the refrigerator all by myself.

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.