Dorothy Brush "Random Thoughts" Published April 6, 2005

March had ups, downs and a very personal issue

What an incredible series of highs and lows, ups and downs, we have experienced in the past several weeks. Normally the wild ride we go on at this time of year is March Madness and 2005 has given us plenty of thrills, with games going into overtime and double overtime. But the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat on the basketball court has shared the headlines with the shadow of death hovering over a Florida town and the Vatican.

In an earlier time, we lived and we died. It was all so simple before technology discovered many ways to prolong life and defeat death for a time. As a child of that earlier time I was surrounded by adults who accepted death as the normal end to life.

Funeral homes had not yet appeared. Instead, the body was brought home to be visited by relatives and caring friends and neighbors. Children were not shunted aside but visited with their parents. They were not shielded from the death process. On Decoration Day, we placed flowers at the graves of the departed and relatives told us about those persons and their lives. All these things put in place the normality of death and that it was not something to fear.

I was in the seventh grade when I was introduced to Tennyson's "Crossing the Bar." The first verse made an impact on me. "Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea." Those few words expressed my understanding of death.

I am not a theologian but I believe that when that "one clear call" comes for me, it is from my Maker. I accept that call and reject any human efforts to bring me back. My feelings are so strong I wear a necklace with the admonition "Do Not Resuscitate."

Recognizing that we don't live forever, my husband and I put our affairs in order some years ago. We have wills, living wills, durable powers of attorney and our wishes are on file at the funeral home. Our four adult children are all familiar with these legal papers. After watching the public displays in Florida, we just went through all those documents again to be sure all was covered.

Strong as my beliefs were, they had never been tested. Early in 2002 I learned I had terminal cancer. My first question was, "How long?" The doctor replied, "The text books say usually six to nine months." More tests were done and the pathology results from four hospitals across the state all confirmed the diagnosis.

My husband and several of our children accompanied me to consultations with various doctors on the best way to treat my case. Each expert always counseled it was my decision. After much thought and many prayers, I chose to not have chemotherapy or radiation. I doubt that would have been the decision if I had been younger and raising small children.

My beliefs withstood the testing. The radiation oncologist's final report after I told him what my decision was said, "Hopefully, she will have a long period of time before she develops any symptomatic progression of her disease." Thus far that is the case.

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Dorothy Copus Brush is a Fairfield Glade resident and Crossville Chronicle staffwriter whose column is published each Wednesday.