David Spates "Therefore I Am" Published Feb. 11, 2003

Here's a hot tip for you

Here's what I need to know: What's a decent tip for a smart-alecky newspaper columnist? Five percent? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty, if he doesn't dangle his participles and keeps your tea glass filled?

I just ran the numbers. If I can get the Chronicle readers to tip, say, 10 percent, your humble correspondent would be living the life. Ten percent -- surely that's not too much ask, now is it? I give 10 percent even when the waiter sneezes on my fish. A copy of the Chronicle costs 50 cents. My 10-percent gratuity would be a nickel. For the sake of argument, let's say 20,000 folks read that particular issue. That's a hefty $1,000 for yours truly every week. Not too shabby, eh? And that's figuring a mere 10 percent - I'd like to think that every so often I come up with a column worthy of a 15-percent nod or, dare I say, even a 20-percent grease.

Everyone else seems to have their palms out looking for a tip, so why can't I? Who's to say that a newspaper columnist shouldn't be tipped? Not me, that's for sure.

We live in a tip-oriented society. Tipping is a big deal. Those of us who have worked in a job where our money comes from the gratuities of others know how important tips are. I've often thought it ought to be mandatory that everyone in the United States work in a restaurant's dining room or deliver pizza for at least three months. It puts things in perspective.

Though I have no hard numbers to prove it, I suspect the vast majority of bad tippers have never waited tables nor had a stack of pizza riding shotgun.

In a way, tipping is a quantitative means by which society measures your adherence to the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's a fine rule, I think you'd agree. It's so golden, in fact, that it's a central ethical teaching found in the scriptures of nearly every major religion. Worshippers in different faiths may not agree on much, but most agree that the notion of reciprocity is a good thing.

That being said, why do I begrudge the tip jar at the walk-up coffee store? I don't know, but I do. It's not a very golden sentiment on my part, is it? Maybe I need to brush up on my central ethical teachings.

Or perhaps it's just that tipping has gotten a little out of hand. An example: When did we start placing tip jars near store cash registers? Are we now expected to tip the Starbucks kid for filling our cups with coffee? It's a 30-second transaction -- you walk up to the counter, you ask for coffee, the kid pours the coffee, the kid hands you the coffee, the kid asks for 89 cents, you hand the kid a buck, the kid hands you back 11 cents, you say "thank you," and then he says "thank you." Is that a tip-worthy exchange? Did the coffee kid exert a special effort into the pouring?

There's not a lot of gray area there. If your cup contains hot coffee, the kid did a great job. If the cup is empty or contains cold coffee, the kid did a terrible job. It leaves very little opportunity for interpretation.

Piano players were among the first to utilize the tip jar, but it makes sense for them. Pianists' performances range from outstanding to horrendous. Any piano bar pianist who has the courage to steer clear of belting out "Piano Man" is worthy of a fine gratuity, if should you ask me. I'll add a little greenery to his glass every time. Not only that, but pianists have their hands full. They can't pause in the middle of "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" to accept a gratuity, hence the tip jar.

Why should a Starbucks cashier get a tip and not a McDonald's cashier? If you saw a tip jar at McDonald's, wouldn't you think it odd? But why? The Starbucks kid and the McDonald's kid are providing the same service. Both are taking your money in exchange for food and drink, so why should the Starbucks cashier get a tip and not the McDonald's cashier?

Maybe we should start tipping everyone for doing their jobs, regardless of how well or how poorly they do them. (We can exempt politicians. They get enough tips as it is, and rarely are their tips tied to performance.) Go ahead and tip garbage men, meter readers, mail carriers, veterinarians, bankers, street pavers, engineers, heart surgeons and software designers. You name the job, you tip it.

I'm not proud. Go ahead and tip newspaper columnists, too. I've even set up a virtual tip jar for your convenience. Just go to paypal.com and send me a tip, using davespates@chartertn.net as my e-mail address. A penny, nickel, quarter, dollar, C-note, whatever you can spare will be appreciated. I deserve it, don't I? I tried not to dangle too many participles today, and I didn't even sneeze on your fish (as far as you know).

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David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@chartertn.net.